AtlantaSteve's Blog.

Three Months Gone.

2005-09-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

It has been essentially 3 months since I last blogged.

I apologize to you all for that. Especially to those of you who emailed or commented to say something about the last post, and how you'd be watching my blog. You probably all gave up. It's OK. I am aware any audience I ever had has dried up.

I will just blog a little that's been on my mind.

I tell you, It has been a most eventful three months in my life.

Shortly after that last post, I took time off work and Julia and I drove back down and I saw my Grandpa again. He'd started seeming in much better condition, and we harbored dark, unspoken hopes that he'd pull through. I think everyone does that in the end. He did not pull through. Less than 4 days after I saw him, I was called and told he had died.

Of course there was the funeral and all that stuff. The night before he was buried, there was a Viewing. We attended, but neither I, nor my sister Kat could bring ourselves to go see him. A lot of people said "you'll regret not saying goodbye one last time." I don't think I will. I have said good-bye in my heart, and did not feel an overwhelming desire to tell it to the body he once inhabited.

I don't want the last memory I had of him to be him lying in a coffin. Instead, I choose to remember something else.

Just a scant few days before he was put in the hospital for the last time, my grandpa snuck out of the house, climbed himself in his pickup truck, and drove around his beloved farm one last time. In my mind, I will always picture him, with a big smile on his face, driving around that place he loved, lost, and then regained.

In truth, the last place I saw him was lying in a hospital bed, saying goodbye to him for the last time. Telling him I loved him, and having him tell me the same back. But to me, his last moment was riding around on his farm. And I thank God so much that he was given the strength, in his last days, to take that trip, alone.

Before he died, he became a Christian...Something he'd really been unable to do all his life. He became a changed man, in a way, much more patient and calm. He came to peace with his own death, something he'd never been able to do. If it helped him, I'm glad he found it. I only hope I can one day come to terms with what I believe...because right now, I honestly don't know WHAT I believe.

Shortly after Grandpa was buried, and life returned to it's routine, our daughter, Cookie, came back to us. She'd spent most of the summer in Florida with her grandma. I only wish She'd been able to see Grandpa B. one last time. He adored her, and asked about her so much when we went to see him at the hospital.

Shortly after Cookie got back, we enrolled her in a Math tutoring program at Sylvan Learning Center. Last year was extremely difficult for her, and Math was especially tough. It was so important to us that such a smart girl not start thinking of herself as stupid, or unable to do Math. So she went to a school, of sorts, during the summer, and worked her tail off. She is now bringing home amazing grades. She has worked so hard to get herself to this level, and I am exceedingly proud of her. I have no doubt in my mind that if she decides she wants to make straight A's, she'll be able to.

There is no gift that could be given to me greater than seeing her proud of herself for her accomplishments. She is an extremely capable child, who was being hurt because she'd gone from a Rural Florida school, that was behind, to an accelerated, tough, Rich Neighborhood Atlanta (East Cobb) school, that is 2 grade years ahead. She had some trouble getting herself settled, and keeping up with a school that was much more accelerated than what she was used to. But she hasn't given up, (despite crying that she wanted to, several times) and her hard work has finally started paying off. I'm proud of her, more than I can explain. Not because of her grades, but because of how much she's done.

Her other big thing right now is her Ice Skating. After seeing a movie on the Disney Channel called "Go Figure," about Ice Skating, she decided she wanted to learn. Cookie had done some roller blading, but was never really skilled at it, nor particularly interested in doing it that much, so we were a little nervous to take her to an ice-rink. She also is a very nervous and almost paranoid child, and oftentimes shrinks from a challenge if she's at all scared.

But when she got to the Ice Skating rink, she put on her rented boots, and nervously walked out on the ice. She held onto the wall for a long time, and, according to Julia, was kinda scared of the whole thing. But she eventually got out, and started moving around. And it was like watching a flower bloom. She took to it extremely quickly, and was doing little spins her first day on the ice.

We put her in lessons, where she has accelerated quickly. Her first day they moved her from Level 1 to Level 2. She has been asked to take an early test to see if maybe they could move her to Level 3 or 4. Her only problem is her impatience to learning. She wants to do everything, every spin, every jump, every move, NOW! But she's doing extremely well, and has even been approached to start private lessons, and to enter a competition!

Again, I say, I'm so proud of this kid, you won't believe it!

On another front, we, as a family, have started attending, This Church. I won't go into the whys of it, but it has been very helpful for us, and we have found a beautiful and wonderful home. Everyone there is incredible, and none of the problems I've ever had with church have been a problem here. That said, I still have an incredible problem accepting the notion of "knowing" or "believing" in God, so there are hurdles for me. But I'm trying, y'all. I'm trying real hard to figure out what I really believe. Because I know that my initial gut reaction of dismissing the whole thing just because of some unfortunate people and events who cloak themselves in the name of "God" is misguided...as misguided as people who blindly accept faith, as misguided as those who blindly reject it.

I'm trying to take the blinders off. It's not easy.

In another story, my sister, Kat, just moved back to Atlanta from England. I won't go into it, but apparently, this is a bad thing for her. I would never want to tell her "ehh, go back to England." But I think right now, she has a hard decision to make, and if that's what she decides, I will be excited and happy for her, and will support her however I can.

My other sister, Beth, is working on the Senate Judiciary Committee. If you'd watched the John Roberts nomination hearings, you might have seen her, sitting beind Arlen Specter.

This past weekend, we went to my Grandma Stewart's 80th birthday party, and at it, there was a photo montage of her life, set to music. Take the sequence of events up above, tie it with an episode of Six Feet Under and it comes full circle:

We tie it all back around...

All of the events of the last few months have shown me that there is one universal truth. This is nothing new, or profound, or anything that isn't completely self-evident. But that truth is that all of us, each and every one of us have one tremendous and huge thing in common. There isn't a person in the history of humanity who has avoided this, and I scarcely believe there will ever be one. That truth is that we are all going to die. Everyone. Me, you, and everyone you know. It's probably the ONLY thing we all share, is that we are all on our own roads to the same destination.

I say this not to be dark, for in fact, to me, this acceptance of this reality has almost been freeing. It's something I've avoided for my entire life...thinking about it. And I'm no where NEAR the point that I am happy about it. But understanding that this is the destination. That while we don't KNOW (in a testable and provable way) what lies 2 seconds after our death, we DO unavoidably know that it is going to happen.

You could look at each night, then, and say "Well, I have one less day to live now." You could be come cynical about it, and you'd be technically right. But you can also look at each morning and think "I have been given one more day, it is a gift, and I must enjoy it." And that's what I choose.

Last night, Julia and I watched the Final Episode of Six Feet Under. I don't mean to pretend that there is any revelation in a stupid TV Show (though, I don't see any reason why revelation from fiction should be dismissed...in fact it's the best way we have found to relate revelations) But the final episode dealt with the journey of life, and where it ends...

I know that in the future, of me, and of my loved ones, lie a bunch of changes, a bunch of births, marriages, graduations, heartbreaks, excitement, happiness, sadness, and death. I don't know which of these I'll be alive to see. But it's a road that is laid out in front of us all, and (barring an extinction event) the road stretches for miles and miles. There are so many things to do and to see on that road. We have all done and seen so many things. But we're all on that same Journey.

Isn't it great to know where the journey is going? This is the one gift we have. We don't know when it will end, but we do know where it's going.

I pray that I live to see Julia and I have more children, and to see Cookie, and any other kids, grow up. To be learn, to grow, to go off and leave us, to get married, and to have their own kids. But right now I'm standing, looking down that road...looking back at the road that's behind me.

And I can say. Right now, in this one spot...I am happy.

And as I think about the turning points that I've seen in the last three months. A death. A child learning she has potential when she'd started to believe she didn't. A woman in love leaving that love to return to a situation she dreads. A woman starting a career in politics, and working on the hill, with her new career. A woman looking back on her long life, and the people she affected, and the family she built, and the tremendous ripples that one little 80 year old woman was able to create...

It's made me realize that there's a long, and changing, road. We don't know what's ahead of us. We don't know which paths or courses to take. So all we can do is close our eyes, breathe, and take the next step.

I have no made no profound comments here. I don't pretend to. I haven't said anything that hasn't been said BILLIONS of times before.

But this is the first time I've realized it...so it's important to me.

And so I'll say, what in ALL these thousands of words I've been trying to say:
I am happy. And I can't wait to see what life has next...

Stay tuned...

(I am posting this without rereading or editing. I'll just let it stand as I wrote it. If it made no fucking sense, I'm sorry.)

Coming up with a title for this blog post is impossible...

2005-06-22T06:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went and saw my Grandpa B. If I was a gambling man, I'd say it's the last time I'll ever see him, though I could be wrong.

Early when I started this Blog, I discussed him. The post is here.

In December of 2003, I predicted he wouldn't be around much longer.

In that blog post I said:
I hope he can hold on until after the wedding. Not so he can go. (Because he won't...he wouldn't have if he was strong as an ox...he just doesn't like that kinda thing). But so I can have Julia there when it[his passing] does happen.

I just wanted him alive until after the wedding. He bested me by a year. In 4 days Julia and I will have been married for 1 year.

But it won't be much longer. Monday night I got a call that "they" (Still not sure who "they" is in this case) have decided to take him off dialysis. Without it, he won't live for long. So Monday night we went to my parents' house, then drove down to the hospital Tuesday morning so that we could see him. Maybe for the last time.

I simply cannot put into words how much my heart aches for him. On one hand, yesterday he seemed alive and fine. He was joking, laughing, and alert. It seems not right for him to go when he's still so "there."

On the other hand, he's had a 2 year stretch that's been so awful and painful I cannot imagine it. Part of me hopes he'll stop suffering soon.

In my quote above, I said I wanted Julia to be around when he died, because I couldn't do it without her. I cannot tell you how wonderful she has been to me during this. She ran out of work monday afternoon. She packed everything up, and got me out the door to start our trek down to see him. She held me when I cried, and held my hand while I was in the room with him, fighting my tears so I wouldn't bring everyone down.

I love my grandpa B. more than I'll ever be able to express. A very big part of who I am is because of him, and I will always cherish the time we had together. I hate that life requires death, and that I must learn to let go of one of the most important people in my life. And I'm not ready to let go.

But it's out of my hands, and all I can do is sit and wait, and hope that whatever happens to him, he will be in comfort.

I love you, Grandpa B. I will always carry a part of you in my heart, but I'll never stop missing you.

I read the news today, oh boy...

2005-04-01T06:43:00.000-08:00

Wow. I dunno what to say.

I found out this morning that Mitch Hedberg passed away Wednesday night. I'm not really sure what I could say. I'll just post a slightly edited copy of the email I wrote when I found out.

----
Wow. I'm stunned.

I am a huge fan of his. I've seen him live probably 5 times. I've brought my two of my best friends, andy and robbie, my wife, my mom, two of my uncles, and I dunno how many others into the "mitch" umbrella. People who hadn't heard of him, I made it my mission to introduce them.

The third time Julia and I spent time together, when we were still long distance, we drove down to Miami with my brother (who is also a fan) and caught his show. I loved him, and laughed heartily...but I knew something was wrong. It was august in Miami and he was wearing layers.

I knew there was something wrong with him then, but didn't know how profound his problem was until right now.

Tragic.

This is like my pope dying.

I wonder if he and Lynn were still together.(Ed. I have since found out they were) They made a great couple, and were each other's biggest fans. But you don't die from heroin use without alienating a lot of people.

She adored him, and I am sure, even if they weren't still together, that she's devastated by this now.

I know I am.
----

Two touching tributes I've found to him online, by fellow comedians:
Doug Stanhope (Yeah, yeah, I know)
Josh Sneed (You have to click "Road Diary" then click "Mitch Hedberg." I tried to direct link, but it didn't work)

Doug talks about how Mitch lived, and Josh talks about what a hell of a guy he was.

My heart is heavy today. It's April Fool's day, but this year, we seem to have lost one of the best "fools" we ever had.

Wah Wah Wah, I lost my fish today.

2005-03-31T05:47:00.000-08:00

God dammit. Does anyone who reads this thing (which pretty much limits this question to about 4 people, I think) know ANYTHING about caring for Betta Fishes? Because for Valentines Day I bought Cookie a bowl, and all the required stuff for a Betta. Then we bought one.

And 2 weeks later, he died.

So, OK, we'll buy another one. 2 weeks later he died.

So we got the third fish, Walter, and he seemed like he was gonna make it. He passed the 2 week mark with flying colors. Then died 2 days later.

MOTHERFUCKER! And I warned him that if he died I was gonna kill him, but he did not listen. So yeah, I think at this point buying anymore fishes would pretty much be counted as pescacide, so we now just have an empty bowl. Damn bastard fish dying.

---
On another note...after 9 months of marriage...of struggling with finances, and learning how to be adults, Julia and I, FINALLY, are going on our honeymoon! Uncle Sam gave us a nice refund check, my mom offered to watch Cookie for spring break, and our airline told us if we didn't fly before april 12th we lost our tickets...So everything came together, and we are GOING! I'm SO happy about this, because, REALLY, we need this. Julia and I are a great team. We get along good, and consider each other in all our choices. There is no friction between us. But it has been 9 months of all work and little rest, and god-dammit, it's been too long to not have a "honeymoon."

Right on!
---
Also, I was thinking today about how much sometimes lying is not only tolerated, but EXPECTED.

Example: Two people go out on a date, it goes smashingly, they're both really into each other, and they both wanna make with the nasty.

They are about to part for the evening, and one has decided to make a move.

This person has two choices...

A) "Wanna go back to my place for some coffee?"
or
B) "Wanna go back to my place and fuck?"

Now. If (s)he asks A, the question is somewhat dishonest. This person has NO INTEREST in drinking coffee right now. (s)he wants to get laid.

Secondarily, the answer to question A, would honestly be "No." The HONEST answer to question B would be "yes" because in this hypothetical, we have established that nobody wants coffee, both want sex.

So the person will ask question A. But EVERYONE involved knows that the questioned being asked is "Do you want to go fuck?" And when the answer "Yes" is given, everyone knows that the person has no interest in coffee and is ACTUALLY answering "Do you want to go fuck?"

Now. Let's stay with this situation. Aside from some sexually up-front, and non-repressed people (Let's, for this example, assume both parties are as repressed as the median American.) Let's ASSUME that the person, instead of asking A, asks B.

"Wanna go back to my place and fuck?" At this point, this person has been completely honest regarding his/her intentions. However...the bluntness of the question will cause the other person to reel back, changing the answer to "No." Now, the second person has no INTEREST in sex, because the question was put forward honestly.

If you didn't keep up, don't worry. I don't think I expressed that idea clearly at all.

But I kindof find myself in a similar situation, where speaking honestly would be considered rude and might cause me to miss out.

A co-worker, a couple of months back, offered me her car. She's had a little Nissan for years, and she's ready to rid herself of it. I need to sell my car so I won't have a payment anymore, but have been reluctant to do so, because I still need transportation. If I got a free car, all my dreams would be answered, because I could sell my car, get out of debt, and would still have basic transportation for getting around.

However, she said this at lunch one day, and hasn't brought it up since...maybe she forgot she even said it. She said she couldn't give it for at least a few months, til her husband's business takes off (which, uhh, could be a problem, if it doesn't take off!)

So what position does this put me in. I have two options. I could ask her either:
A) "So, hey, when you gonna give me that free car!?!"
or
B) "So are you still looking to sell your Nissan?"

Now, I will ask question B...because A makes me look needy and selfish and greedy. These will definitely make less eager to give me her car. However, when I ask her question B, I want her to INTERPRET it as question A. I am hoping that when she hears the question she'll say "Oh, yeah, well, I'll be happy to give it to you." (Note: We're not talking a new mercedes benz. The car's not worth a WHOLE lot to begin with, and she'd rather give it to someone who needs it than sell it. And I NEED to be out of debt). I want her to interpret my question as "Can I have a free car?" but I know if I said that, it'd seem rude and obnoxious. So we have to go with being disingenuous. Whatever, as long as I get a free ride.

Sexy Sleep

2005-03-18T11:25:00.000-08:00

Hell yes, I am BACK. As if I'm talking to anyone but myself.

Anyway, here is the news since you've been on the moon:

Julia and I are FINALLY going on our honeymoon!!! :) Almost a year after the wedding, and we're finally getting it done. I'm so excited, though. We've been good and patient, and finally everything came together in such a way that if we didn't go, we'd be an retarded.

So, yay! We're going to Vegas, and I simply can't wait to have a week alone with my angel.

Also, Julia and I bought our own bedroom suit! It put the sexy in "OH my fucking christ, what a sexy bedroom suit!" And we DID break my rule about never ever not ever going into debt...but...well, we need it! Plus, we can write a check to pay for it if we wanted to, but it's free money until Jan 2007, so I think I'm gonna put the same amount of money in a CD until that day, and leave it there, then pay the thing off with one check, and take the interest to go do someething fun.

Also, I hate bats. The furry kind, not the baseball kind.

I'll see if I can take some pictures of our sexy bedroom and put it online for you to gawk at and wish you was me.

We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn...

2005-02-11T14:25:00.000-08:00

Wow haven't blogged in a LONG ass time. I'm not about to say that'll change.

But last night is, I suppose, on some level, blogworthy.

Last night, the idiot whore who lives upstairs from us caught her apartment on fire. Now, people set fires all the time, and they don't deserve to be called idiots. This one does.

She spilled some spoiled milk all over her kithen (Which is just a lovely thought...especially since this whore leaves her trash outside on her fucking porch, where we get to breathe it in all the time...the whore is just nasty) and to clean up the smell (I'd have used fabreze, but that's not a danger to my neighbors, so I can see why she didn't.) She lit a stick of insense. Hey ya know, I don't smoke pot or believe in the ju-ju gods, but I guess there's a good excuse for insense. I bought some once, thinking I'd start burning it...until I realized it all smelled like cheap purfume until you burn it, where it then smells like smoke and cheap purfume. BUT again, who am I to judge. And since whoring yourself around apparently don't pay like it should, she couldn't afford one of them nifty five dollar insence holder things. So she stuck it. In the pot of a plant she had nearby. And I'm not sure, but I THINK she said it was a fake plant. SO, we're batting a thousand here.

She then decides to let this keep burning while she goes to pick up her kid at her mom's house. Hilarity ensues.

So I get home around, I dunno, 6ish last night and see a fire truck in my parking space. Most the time firetruck=someone had a heart attack, so I figured a neighbor had some kind of medical event. I looked to make sure Julia and the neighbor I don't hate weren't home, and they weren't so I figured, "Cool, nobody I like died." Then I notice that the whorebag's carpet is all pulled out onto the front porch of her house and dripping wet. Uh oh, things start to seem bad.

Look, long story short, our apartment was flooded with the water used to put out her damn burning plastic tree...which happily went on to burn her couch, rug, and other asorted goodies. Unfortuantely, it didn't burn her. And unfortunately for the apartment managment, it didn't burn the dildo she left laying around her bedroom. God's honest truth.

We spent the night in a hotel, and are leaving tonight for Columbus. Our stuff is mostly ok...a few wet things aside. But it's a horrible nightmare.

In the end though, it could have been much, much worse, and in a week, this will be forever behind us.

I am just so glad that nobody I love was hurt. It's these stories that remind you how random and stupid life is. Especially when a whore is your upstairs neighbor.

She's moving out though :)

Fleece Nabidad

2004-12-15T05:52:00.000-08:00

Christmas is almost here! Tonight we go to the airPORT to pickup Julia's mama and her 2 nephews. Julia's mom will be here over half a month! WOO HOO! I hope I get some GOOD EATIN'!

Anyway, this year we have a beautiful 7' tall christmas tree :) Last year, Julia and Cookie spent some christmas time in my apartment with me, so I went out and bought a small tree for us to put up and decorate. It was a tiny thing, but we loved it, and dressed it up beautiful. This year, though, we got more decorations, and since Julia and Cookie and I all live together, a tiny tree seemed inappropriate, so I went and bought a big one. And the cool thing? I got it at Kroger for half what I woulda paid at a damn tree lot. Dude, I'm sorry, I'm not paying 70 bucks for a damn bush to put in my living room.
--
Yesterday, while Julia was working at her restaurant, a class of special ed kids came in to the restaurant for lunch. They were learning how to behave in public, and how to order food, and pay, and whatnot.

So she was telling me about them, and was smiling and laughing, and was telling me about the interactions she had with them, and it just warmed my heart. You just won't meet a woman as kind, caring and patient as Julia anywhere else. She's just so tolerent and so giving of herself. Just to hear her talk, and to hear how good she was with thise kids...man.

Years ago, my sister Beth, who is a type A person to the max, said she hopes that she never has a mentally handicapped child, because she just doesn't think she would have any patience with it, and would be a terrible mother. When she said that, I thought the exact same thing, I was like, "Yeah, how could I put up with someone like that...so slow and frustrating to deal with."

But when I looked at Julia talking and thought about, what if tht happened to us, I realized that ONLY through her strength and unashamed love, I could make it fine in a situation like that. If, god forbid, that ever happens to us, I know we'd be ok, and I know I'd learn to be a good father, because that woman gives me more strength and confidence and peace at heart than I've ever known.

Of course, I still understand why SOME people (*cough*rob*cough*) would, as he delicately put it "Want to throw it away." but Julia helps me see the other side of things.

Of course, I should point out, Julia may be kind loving and caring, but also, this bitch she works with got an earful about her self because she's a passive-agressive twat, and Julia let her know. That's another thing about Julia...she's kind and patient to those who deserve it. But if you're a jerk, she's gonna let you know...and probably make you cry when she does.

On another tangent, somebody broke into my pay-pal account and stole 1200 bucks from me trying to buy a PlayStation Portable from a guy in Japan. He was a Russian. I KNEW those bitches were dangerous. Anyway, I headed it off by being broke, therefore when paypal tried to debit my checking account it bounced. HA! and I emailed the japanese seller (who was also a victim in this) and told him not to ship the item (he was given a Russian mailing address!) because of the fraud. So the russian guy in the end ends up with nothing. Except I'm thinking of mailing him some tupperware full of shit.

Merry Christmas Everybody. The Internet sucks.

Almost 2 Months?

2004-11-22T06:18:00.000-08:00

Almost been 2 months since I last posted :( I'm sorry I suck at blogging.

So, Anyway...

Everything is going very well. Julia and I are doing a fairly good job of adjusting to the married life. We haven't even thrown stuff at each other yet(Except for the basketball when we decide to go play a wicked game of hoops[and if you think I'm serious you suck]} so I think that's a good thing.

We saw Spongebob's movie this weekend and I was sorely disappointed. I was like, hating it big-time, but was worried because Julia was laughing at stuff and smiling, so I thought "Well, shit maybe I'm just being a wet blanket." But then she leaned over to me and said "Is it just me or does this movie suck balls?" I was so relieved to know that she also thought it sucked...

Because, you know, I'd hate to have to divorce her over liking a silly movie, but for that movie, I might have considered it.

On the other hand, we both really liked the Incredibles. God I wish I had the super power of flight. And super stretchy body parts would be fun too...in the right situations.

Also, I have started to smoking a pipe!!! Not very often...and only after Julia has gone to sleep and I'm bored. Like maybe once every week or two, at the most. I dig it, though, because cigarettes are gross and kinda crass, unless you're Humphry Bogart Or Robert Mitchum. And Cigars are crude (and taste like hate in the morning)

But pipes...man, those are cool. And, if you get a real good bowl going, and really keep the puffing steady, you can get quite a nice little buzz. Kindof a giddy light-headedness. I dig it.

Plus, pipes are distinguished.

LIKE ME, BITCHES!

Anyway, I'm not about to say I'll start posting here more, cause I suck, and I won't. But yeah, all in all life is going pretty good, and that is quite a wonderful thing indeed :)

Who the fuck is Kent?

2004-09-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

So, like, yesterday we'd been married 3 months. everything is going very well indeed. Julia and I went to "our place" last night and talked for a long time about how we're doing and so forth. It's moments like that that make me remember why I fell in love with her. We just can talk so easily, and at such length, and we can talk about our feelings and our anxieties and worries without getting upset or hurting feelings, and we can talk about anything :) She really is my best friend, and greatest ally.

Remember that show Kate and Ally, that shit was awesome.

Anyway, another great thing about being married to Julia is how much I love her family (most of them, at least, LOL) her mom and grandma are in town for 10 days, and that is great news. Heh, I love to have my mother-in-law around...how cool is that? Julia's mom is looking real good and happy, which is good news for me because she's had a hard go of it lately, and I think she's still hurting, but I know she's glad to be with us and with cookie and to leave all that behind.

Plus, oh Lord when Juana and Abuela (Julia's mom and Grandma, respectively) get together there is one thing they do at LENGTH, and that is cook, and OOOH Boy and I the benneficiary to THAT. These women can cook, jack, and I am very very happy to eat just about anything they throw at me.

Oh man, Julia, I'd been meaning to tell you, I feel so bad. I don't really LIKE Mexican Creama. I thought I did the first time or two I ate it, but now I just prefer regular old spoon it out honkey sour cream, so, like, I feel bad cause your mom bought it just for me, and it's expensive...but, ehh, it's not my favorite :P

Anyway, Julia is a really good cook, and she's getting better all the time, even if she doesn't think so (you are, and I swear, those fajitas you made that one time were every bit as good as your mom or abuella had ever made) but Julia is a hard working woman, and doesn't have time (nor do we have the money) for real exotic and elaborate cooking. But Juana and Abuella consider it a second job, and seem to enjoy it. I'm not sure if they enjoy it, or if they've just been doing it so much for so long that it's like a habbit and they feel wrong if they're not...but DAMN is it good eatin'.

On a totally unrelated note, this past thursday night I went to see one of my favorite bands, Flogging Molly, for the first time. I'd been wanting to see them SOOO bad and to finally get to was incredible. and they were god damn AWESOME. And Loud as hell. So loud that I couldn't hear right for a couple of days. I had an intense ringing in my ear. Like, really bad. ALmost couldn't sleep at night bad. And I was worried it was permanant. The last couple of years (Since I got into harder rock, and going to the Drag Races) my ears have started ringing anytime there's absolte silence. It's very slight, and I don't even notice it unless it's exactly silent. The slightest buz from a computer fan, or electric hum of a TV can drown it out, so it hasn't concerned me, except I worry that it'll progressivly get worse. So when the ringing was so bad it impeded with my ability to concentrate or sleep, I got scared, and worried I'd finally gone over the cliff.

BUT! HA HA! it's about 4 days later and my ears are back to their old ways, so WHEW! But I learned a very valuable lesson.

I'M FUCKING INVINCIBLE, AND CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES!! YEAH!!!

PSA:
don't drive drunk.

Damn

2004-09-09T05:58:00.000-07:00

Last night someone decided to spam 30 or 40 comments advertising online poker playing to this blog. So I am quitting enetation and switching to blogger comments.

So I lost all my old comments, but I was sick of going through and deleting spam all the time.

Yes, that's really all I have to say :P

Steve

Lefty Loosey

2004-08-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, listen. I admit I've pulled to the left (politically speaking, that is) in the last few years more and more. I've CERTAINLY left behind Conservatism and Libertarianism which carried me through my high school and college years (respectively) and have moved towards a more liberal tinge, both on fiscal and social issues. Especially social issues. I believe in fiscal conservatism, meaning the government shouldn't be running a huge fucking deficit, but, umm, last I looked it was the REPUBLICANS who were causing our massive deficits. I hate tax and spend. But I hate cut taxes (for the rich*) and spend more!

* I used to HATE that everytime the GOP came up with a tax-cut idea, the left would scream "It's just a tax cut on the rich, not for regular folks." I believe (still do) that the left used this argument to make the GOP look like they were only interested in the rich. Bush's tax cut did indeed cut my taxes (and i'm not rich...yet) but the cuts that the wealthy got on that tax cut were SO ridiculous that I have to admit, the left with all it's "Tax cuts for the rich" screaming was correct. I was wrong.

I voted for Bush in 2000. I supported the invasion of Iraq. But now? Hell no. I feel like I was duped on Iraq. I believed we'd find WMDs. I now think WMDs had NOTHING to do with the war in Iraq. I don't think it really had to do with oil, either. I think Iraq was just pig-headedness from the administration. They decided Iraq was where they wanted to go, and GOD DAMMIT WE'RE GOING...We'll smudge the intelligence to make it look like a good move.

And I hate them for it.

And I won't vote for it this time.

For the first time in my LIFE I'll be voting for a Democrat presidential candidate.

But if you want to know how I feel about Kerry, follow this link.

Writing this post reminded me how much I'm just not eloquent or anything on political issues. I LOVE watching debates, and listening to both sides...and I have my opinions...but I just never feel adequately able to defend them in words. Whatever, I still get a vote and it's going for the lesser douche bag.

Mustang's are great cars...

2004-08-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

OK, now...Before we start here, I should point out, yes, I have awful spelling and grammar and punctuation, and I have NO business poking fun at others, but, ummm...damn.

Cookie starts school on Monday, and today we went to a "meet and greet" where we got to meet her teacher.

Now let me take a second to point out...HOLY FUCK! I'm meeting a teacher whose class my kid is gonna be in! ME? God fucking dammit, how could I have ever seen this turn of events! 2 years ago I didn't even KNOW I'd gotten a girl pregnant...Now I find out it happened 8 years ago, when I was still a virgin...strange.

Anyway...yeah, we met Cookie's teacher, and her name is Ms./Mrs./Miss/Dr./Sir/whatever Mason. She calls her class "Mason's Mustangs."

Only, she doesn't exactly write it like that. All over her class, every instance of it was written "Mason's Mustang's"

Now, It's been a while since I was in College, but last time I checked, apostrophes GENERALLY indicate possessive. "Mustang's"? (yes I know Question marks go within the quotes, but I prefer british notation, so fuck you) What does Mason's Mustang posses.

Anyway, on her white board she'd written "Welcome Mustang's" so I grabbed a dry erase marker while she wasn't watching and drew an arrow to the apostrophe and wrote "Mustangs is plural not possessive."

I'm a dick.

YEAH!

Say What?

2004-07-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

I thought it'd be nice for people who weren't there to see the script of the wedding.

So, like, I'll include it here:

Read it here!

As of today

2004-07-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

Wow...today I've been married 3 weeks...cool! I haven't blogged since the wedding :P I suck. If Julia were an iPod today would be our 3 weekaversarry, and I would buy her a protective leather case.

Anyway, I plan, in the next couple of days to do my written rundown of everything that happened that day, a post of the script that we used for the wedding (that we mostly stuck to) and tons of pictures.

and hey! guess what! Pictures are up! So, like, if you're on a highspeed connection, you can look at them at the link below. I shoulda setup a page with thumbnails and stuff, but I'm too lazy. and I know there's software that'll do that for you, but I'm too lazy to download that, too. Deal, motherfuckers!

Anyway, those pictures are not from the actual wedding, but rather taken at the Ritz Carlton in Downtown Atlanta a few hours before the wedding. But they're still our "Wedding Pictures." The ACTUAL wedding pictures should be ready in a week, give or take. yeah.

Wedding Pictures!

The day after the day after tomorrow

2004-06-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Woo haw! Getting married in 3 days. How fucking surreal, to say that.

I, for a LONG time, never felt like I'd ever get married. I was worried that I'd never find anyone who really wanted to marry me. And now it's happening :) And it couldn't be happening with a better woman. I'm just the luckiest guy in the world!

It just goes to show you...things happen the way they're supposed to. I don't believe in fate, I don't believe in pre-destination, or anything like that. But I do believe that things can happen the way they're supposed to.

Tomorrow is our Rehersal, followed by the dinner. Friday is our "welcome party." and Saturday, at 8PM, we go down the aisle. Holy crap! That's so awesome.

Robbie, fuck this up and I'm gonna (This part of the post removed by John Ashcroft.)

Kirkey 17.5 inch Aluminum Racing Seat

2004-06-07T06:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't blogged in forever. Pfff. SO here's a list in some kind of abstract order:

1) I get married in less than 3 weeks. 19 days, to be precise! YAY!! I CANNOT WAIT! Also, this blog will be VERY active right after, as I flood it with wedding pictures, and other such musings.

2) Ronald Reagan. I don't care your political leanings, I think we can all agree that under his watch, some of the best cartoons and toys EVER were produced. That's not a coincidence people. That takes leadership. Also, liberals (which, god, I have to admit, I am one of them now, but only because conservatives lost their fucking minds) like to vilify him and talk about what a ROTTEN president he was. Dude, 49 states elected him. that's 98%. He was a beloved president.

3) I went to my High School Reunion this weekend. 10 fucking years. What the blue FUCK? I'm that old? One of my old HS Pals, Marissa, had googled me and actually, a while back, saw this blog!!! I hope she saw it with the Anime chick with the Baby Head titties and the dead Jack the Ripper whores! she didn't know, though. Anyway, that was awesome fun, seeing some of the people I used to know. One thing that was cool...everyone remembered me and had lots o' good shit to say about me :) Hell yeah. I wish, then, that I knew what I know now. Because I wasn't hated, I was pretty damn liked. People thought I was funny and smart and MAYBE a little introverted (OK A lot) but everyone seemed excited to see me.

4) I hate blogger's new interface. It reminds me of what I envisioned someone who runs Linux on a Macintosh would pick for an interface

5) I'm just keeping it real

6) Only julia gets #5 :)

7) My life is 100 times better than it was in High School. TRUE, I found out this weekend that I was well regarded. Honestly, High School was pretty ok for me. I had a lot of fun and made some great friends. But I wasn't comfortable with who I am. I am now. I'm happy with who I am. I'm happy to be fat! Honestly, I am. I mean, I wish I wasn't...but I don't really CARE. I only wish to lose weight for heatlh reasons, cause I want to see cookie graduate, and go to her 10 year reunion, and marry, and have kids, or not if that's what she chooses...I want to know my own kids as adults. I want to at least meet most of my grandchildren. (rambling) anyway, my point is, I wouldn't change one thing in my life now...and I wouldn't go back and change one thing then...but at the time, I didn't realize that, and spent all my time wishing it was different.

8) Life is different than you perceive it...you just need the clarity of hindsight to realize that. Be happy with where you are and what you have always, and you will always be happy.

9) I need a job a Hallmark writing the crappy cards.

10) God I hate cards.

11) This isn't a top 10 list.

Wedding Planning is FUN!

2004-04-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

DO NOT PLAY SONG LIST
The Boot Scootin Boogie	Brooks and Dunn
Cotton Eyed Joe	RedNex
The Macarena	Los Del Rio
Electric Slide	unknown
Wind Beneath My Wings	Bette Middler
The Chicken Dance
The Hokey Pokey
The Achy Breaky Heart	Billy Ray Cyrus
Push It	Salt-n-Peppa
Sexual Healing	Marvin Gaye

If you're asking yourself why we'd be against any of the songs on this list, you're invited to please stop reading this blog.
(HA! As if anyone reads it anymore!)

Also, add your own shitsongs to the comments!

I'm alive

2004-04-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted here in forever...damn.

So much to talk about it's not worth getting into!

Wedding plans are coming along nicely. Best Men and Grooms Men can be a pain in the ass when they happen to be female. People just need to back off and let us decide how our wedding is gonna be...I swear.

I love my motorcycle. Me and Richard ride it all the time.

I've sold all KINDS of shit on eBay.

Anyway, the only reason I'm posting is because I wrote a little article on how to shoot "Talkie" movies using a silent camera. I'm sending it privately via email to this guy who bought one of my cameras, and I want to post it here so I can retain SOME menial claim on the copyright. Don't even bother reading it.

Steve
-----
Capturing sound for use with video captured by a silent film.
By Steven Stewart
One of the coolest things about shooting film is the awesome grain and feel that film gives you. That 24 frame per second flicker gives a whole level of depth and dimension that video, for whatever reason cannot capture. Film can be cheaply and easily shot using several different formats, including Super 8, 8mm, and 16mm. Super 8 has recently experienced a boom in popularity, and equipment can be bought left and right on eBay.

The biggest downside of shooting film is that film (unless you have a Hollywood budget) is silent. While some 16mm formats include sound, and there was the venerable Super 8 Sound, doing this on a budget is near impossible.

So the task falls on you to figure out how to get sound with your film. The "easy answer" is that, well, you could just run a tape recorder while you film your movie, and then sync the two up later. Many kids tried this with their Super 8 cameras in the 70's and early 80's. There was a problem. "Creep." You see, most consumer level cameras are not "crystal synched." This means the motor in the tape recorder, and the motor in the film camera will turn at SLIGHTLY different speeds. The result is that once you get the audio and video synched up, the slight differences in the audio and video will start to show. Soon, the moving lips and the audio track won't line up, and the human eye can detect the slightest difference.

Computers to the rescue!

We can fix this problem using digital manipulation of our audio and video. This requires taking the "Tape recorder and a camera" method, and taking advantage of technology to make it work.

The first step to doing this is your actual shoot. While you can still use a tape recorder, I suggest a digital audio capture method. Purists will complain that this doesn't give the best sound quality (unless you use super expensive equipment like a DAT Tape recorder) I say that the main problem most people have with recording audio (room noise, poorly setup microphones, etc) FAR outweigh the problem of using "compressed" audio.

I have found I prefer to use MiniDiscs to record my audio. MiniDiscs are the tiny CDs in plastic shells. They are recorded digitally, can be transferred to a computer (if you have the right equipment), and are easy to use on the day of your shoot. The other option is recording directly into your PC using either a laptop, or actually setting up an entire desktop on the set. I believe the computer will give you better sound, assuming you don't compress your audio (i.e. use WAV instead of MP3) and you have a good sound card.

"Lights, Sound, Camera, ACTION!"

Now that you have your equipment setup you have to actually shoot your film. The first thing to do is to get the sound rolling. Sound is cheap to roll. Film costs money. So start the sound, and get it ready. Once your completely ready to start the action, start your camera rolling.

Before you call action, do a slate slap. You've seen these, in every Film or TV show when they're on a set, the guy holds out the slate with some numbers written on it, and closes it, making a loud smack sound. You gotta do this. If you HAVE to clap your hands instead of use a real slate then, that's OK, but if you can get a slate, GET ONE! Be sure the camera captures this, directly and head on. If you're using multiple cameras, they ALL need to see the slate close.

Then allow your actors to do their thing, and as soon as they're done, do a "Tail Slap" Do this by holding the slate upside down, and slapping it closed again.

Remember when you close the slate to get a LOUD, solid slap. You gotta do this every time the camera starts and stops. This is why it's sometimes suggested directors hate to "cut" because cutting requires resynching audio and video. That means another slate slap. Don't EVER EVER forget the "Tail Slap." or synching the audio in post will be a serious pain

I have to leave your record keeping up to you, but I highly recommend you write on the slate the scene and take number, and have whoever slaps the slate audibly state the scene and take number so that the recording device picks it up. It makes it a lot easier to decide which audio snippet goes with which video clip.

Quick tip...never forget to wrap your camera in some kind of sound deadening material. In the "biz" they refer to this as a "blimp." A "Silent Camera" is usually very noisy, because it was designed without any concern to how loud it would be. Sound Cameras are quieter because they were designed realizing there'd be a microphone present. So "blimp" your camera so it's sound won't show up on the minidisc recorder. You might want to try running the camera with no film in it to test your sound levels and make sure you're not making too much noise BEFORE you start shooting.

Transfer everything to the computer.

At this point, you have shot everything and have to start editing. First step is getting everything digital so you can work with it in the computer. The easy part is getting our audio "online." This should be easy if you used a MiniDisc recorder that has some kind of bridge that will connect it with your computer. That's up to you to figure out. If you recorded directly to the PC then this part is already done.

It's a little more difficult to get film onto the computer. There are many different ways (and many different price points) for doing this. The most popular is a true "Rank Telecine" where the film is scanned by a high quality scanner, frame by frame, and compiled into a video. Usually, you can get the video in a variety of formats, but I suggest DVCam or MiniDV (DVCam is better, of course) and then get THAT transferred into the computer. DVD is also a possibility now, but it will be up to you to figure how to get the video files off the DVD as I've never done this.

A cheaper method is playing your film through a projector, directly at a perfectly white, small screen. Then point your video camera DIRECTLY at this screen, and tape. This is not NEARLY as good as telecine, but it's cheap and free...soo it's an option. There are also "in between" options, where someone with a special setup can have a projector project directly onto a video camera's CCD, thus getting your video tape that way. Whatever method you use is up to you, and there are a MILLION of them online. You just gotta look around. People actually sell "Film transfer" services on eBay.

Synching it up the budget way.

Once you have everything in the computer, you have to edit it. The First part is synching up the audio to the video. To do this, open your video editing program (like Premiere) and open the video clip you want to work with. Find the 2 slaps, and slowly, frame by frame go through until you have found the EXACT frame where the slate closed shut. Also find the one where the slate was shut upside down. You will have to figure the difference, in time, between these two frames. The program your using will have to tell you this info. But there should be a way to get a time count between these two frames. It should be in hundredths of a second.

Then you have to open your sound editing program (I like SoundForge) and determine the difference between the two slaps. To do this, look at the wave form of the audio, and listen for the "CLAP" noise of the slate closing. when you find it, look at the waveform and find the absolute peak. Find the same peak at the tail slap, and find out how long this difference is. Then, you can use the software to stretch or shorten the file to match the difference in your video.

So, say your video file was 35.63 seconds long, and your audio clip is 36.965 seconds long, you will shrink the audio clip to 35.630 seconds long. Then the audio and video match in length exactly. The slight change in length we're making to the audio file should not affect the "pitch" of the voice in any noticeable way. Now take the audio file, with its new stretched out length and load it into the video editing program. Line up the slap sound in the audio file with the "slate close" frame on the video, and everything should be matched up! You finally have your audio/video file assembled and can begin editing.

This process sounds lengthy and painful. It can be! but the more you do it the more you'll learn HOW to do it and the better you'll be.

My closing advice is to remember....always shoot short bits. a 2 minute video is MUCH more difficult than a 30 second video. The reason is the longer the file, the less consistent the "creep" and then doing a line up can be VERY painful indeed.

Good luck!

Smokin' in the boys room...

2004-02-27T05:24:00.000-08:00

So last night, I went to a "Build a Bear workshop" to buy my little angel a Tuxedo and some overalls for her favorite stuffed bear, Teddy...who is a cheap purple sparkly thing she won at a fair less than a year ago, and has latched onto like he's her best friend. While I was at Build-a-Bear, there was a pack, or troupe, or coven or whatever they call them, of Brownie Scouts there on some kind of fieldtrip that resulted in them getting their own bears.

And it never once got on my nerves. The kids didn't upset me NEARLY as much as their vapid mothers, who sat around talking about shit that I don't remember, because it was so unimportant (But that I do remember made me want to punch them in the kidneys) standing around idly in all the traffic zones. Hello, Fat man trying to leave the store. Quit Re-arranging your ridiculously big Diaper bag and get the fuck out of my way.

So yeah, a Haggle of pre-pubescent females didn't make me want to kill Jesus, so man I'm, like, totally changing and shit!

And while I'm talking about hate, let me just spend a few moments discussing why human nature is so fucking stupid, and should be stopped.

The complex where I work has a rule about not smoking near the doors. Well, people violate this rule because it's cold and rainy often here, and I wouldn't want to smoke out there either. So they have a rule that's ignored, and rarely enforced. So people smoke near the door. I don't blame them. But here's the problem...there's nowhere to snuff out their cigarettes, so they throw them in the flower-beds. So now we have a flowerbed that looks like an ashtray. So, let's put some ashtray's near the flowerpot, so people won't throw their butts in the flowerbed. They can't do that, because they have a rule about smoking near the doors. So there's no solution. The solution they'll come up with is to make the security guards brush the smokers away from the buildings. That'll last a week, and then the problem will happen again. They simply will not put ashtrays there, because to do so would be to admit they can't enforce the "No smoking near the building" rule. So instead of fixing this problem, both sides will simply keep up this game, and the flowerbed will look nasty.

Of course, there's another solution...nasty fucking smokers, STOP LITTERING! But that won't happen...Because smokers are abrasive nasty people (Come on, you know it's true). So, it's an unending tug-of-war, and *I* have to look at a yucky flowerbed.

Not that this really bothers me, I'm just saying, it's indicative of the "dug in heel" syndrome that just fucks our species over time and again...the sad part is this is the ENTIRE OPERATING PROCEDURE of our political system. I'm just mentioning this "cigarette butt" problem as a microcosm of a much bigger problem. I doubt the metaphor is working for you, though, huh? Blah, so what, it works for me.

Also...apartment hunting SUCKS. Someone find me a nice house to rent cheap, and in a good school district? OK, Thanks.

It is the dawning of the age of Aquarius...

2004-02-20T07:56:00.000-08:00

The world makes me SO sad.

Last night, I went to the Fernbank Science Center to see through the 36 inch mirrored telescope they have. It was incredible...so beautiful.

I got to see Saturn. SATURN...there it was...this little white object with white rings around it, just like I imagined. I believe it looked so white because of the reflection of the sun's light being so intense...It was so beautiful. I was sitting there staring at something that didn't look real...but it is...and it's out there...floating around the same sun we float around. I also got to see Jupiter, with it's cloud lines, however the red-eye was facing away from us, so I couldn't see it. And we also saw Mars, which wasn't very spectacular because of the time of year...but still, there it was, the planet we're exploring right now...

And it made me so...impressed with humanity...here is this VAST ocean of darkness and light that we live in every night. Indeed our little planet is a part of it, floating around in the same ocean, it's own little speck of light. And I was amazed at how far humanity has come. We've conquered so much of space, relative to our current potential, I mean. We have awesome optics that can see incredible light clouds (Like the Orion Nebula, which I also saw last night.) We have satellites zoooming past the confines of our solar system. We have overcome the gravity of our own planet, and visited our moon, and sent probes to other planets. We have learned every star in the sky that our eyes can see, and we understand why it moves the way it moves. And yet, at the same time, in terms of how advanced we are at navigating and understanding this vast sea, we are utter amatuers. Comparing exploring space to exploring the Earth by crossing the oceans, we're just barely learning how to step in rain puddles. We're not anywhere close to conquring this...gigantic, beautiful space...but at least we're no longer scared of the water.

Filled me with such inspriation, and hope for the universe, and for our tiny species, that is really, in the cosmic scope, just some insignifigant assortment of atoms and molecules, that has learned to arrange themselves in ways such that they can move around on their own little planet at their own will, and even look upward and outward, and dream, and achieve the dream, of moving off this little planet. How beautiful. We really are a creature with TREMENDOUS hope and power. As incredible as Saturn, and the Sun, and the Moon and the Stars and galaxies are...as massive as they are, our tiny little insignifigant balls of atoms and molecules KNOW what we are made of, we know how big or small we are, and we can look at the sky and see these stellar bodies. They, dumbly and dimly, just float around, unaware of themselves, and unaware of us. And that is why we're so special...because we KNOW...and they just are.

Of course, as I marveled at the grand scheme in this little observatory I was reminded of the other side. There was a (very loud) group of people there who were not there to marvel at the scope of the universe. No, they were into Astrology, and wanted to use this scopoe to see the planets that are in their signs. They wanted to see Mars NOT because it was a close neighbor...one we've actually be able to send shit too...no, it was because it was in their sign. That was what they got out of this amazing powerful optic..."OOH we can predict the future."

No you can't, you fool. Why must we assign MEANING to everything. Why can't we just accept that it is, just because it is. Why must we search for answers where there are no answers. Why can't we just accept how beautiful it is, and study and learn how it came to be, without trying to understand what it's trying to tell us. Because Mars isn't telling us anything. We're learning from mars NOT because it falls in your sign...but because we spent billions of dollars, and worked and fired rockets there that are telling us more about the creation of our solar system and, ultimately, our universe. But no...these godless fools wanted to simply worship it, because they're too trendy to worship God.

Why would the universe have alligned itslelf such that how it looks FROM EARTH (because the perspective is different from any other body in the universe) tells me how my love life is going? WHY would it bother? Why would it care? What people fail to realize is that Earth doesn't matter to the rest of the universe...and our little bodies roaming around on it matter less.

Boy this post is rambly. But it makes sense to me...and for about an hour last night...looking up at the heavens, at those objects that are just too busy to look back, life made perfect, clear sense. And that was awesome!

Holy cow I haven't blogged in forever...

2004-01-29T11:49:00.000-08:00

First, what ever happened to Kate Moss. I remember a few years ago people talked about how she was SO THIN she was gonna blow away...apparently, she did blow away, because I haven't heard about her in forever. I got a spam today from Kate Miles, and it made me think of her.

Second, we've been forbidden to use AIM at work anymore. Only MSN Messenger. So, if you are on MSN messenger and want to talk to me on it, email me. Otherwise, no more work use :( Thank GOD MSN works for Julia.

Third, This weekend I helped my grandma with her computer and she asked to see my "web page." UMMM...there's nothing to see here, first. But second, there is NO WAY I want my grandma reading the shit I say here. I'm sorry, granny, not happening. I changed the subject and she forgot. Maybe I'll make a "good steve" blog...and never blog there either :)

and Forth, I can not WAIT for this weekend. Julia and I are meeting in Ocala Florida, and we're gonna hang out, spend some quality quiet time together in the Hilton, and MAYBE ride in a horse drawn carriage, or throw fire-crackers at cops. They love it when you do that.

And after a month of not blogging, that's all I gotta say. Word.

I like food, bye

2004-01-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

I LOVE Jim Gaffigan...he's an aweosme comedian.

Julia and I have used a Jim Gaffigan joke on our Save The Date cards for the wedding.

The Joke is that he hates to send Post Cards because he feels like his IQ goes down and he can only say the stupidest stuff on a post card. "This city's got big buildings, I like food, bye."

Ok that joke is probably funnier if you see Jim perform it, but, well, Julia and I DID see it together, as Jim was the first comedian we ever saw together (Well, there was the opener and stuff, but those guys are never funny, so you can't count them as comedians. HA HA!).

Anyway, we took a sillly picture with Atlanta in the background, and scrawled this phrase across the card:

Well, we emailed Jim about it, and he put it on his WEBSITE! HEE!!!

Go to His Website and click on "Fan Page" and there we are!!!

Whatever, Sea Pig!

I am BACK

2004-01-05T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have been off in Florida from Christmas Eve until the 28th, and then Julia, Cookie and I went to Florida where I stayed until last night.

And now, I'm home, all alone :(

It was an AMAZING 2 weeks. It's incredible that we were together 2 weeks and not once did we get snippy or yell at each other or anything. It was awesome!!

So get this. Since Christmas Eve I haven't checked blogs, or email or ANYTHING. more than a week with ZERO email checking. I got back and had like 5 real email messages, and 825 spams. Fuckers.

I get married this year!

WHAT A motherfucking weekend!

2003-12-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

Wow what a weekend.

I drove back to Columbus on Friday night, spent the night, and then, early Sat Morning, richard and I got up, cleaned out his minivan and headed back for Atlanta. We went 30 miles north of Atlanta, up into the rural mountains and to a co-worker's house. It was there that Richard and I bought "The Junkyard Doc" our new 1983 Suzuki DR-125 DirtBike! WOOO HAW! We call it the Junkyard Doc because it's a DR-125, kinda like a Doctor, or Doc. And because my co-worker who owned the bike before us had bought it from a friend...who bought it at a Junk Yard. The Junkyard Doc. Ok kinda lame, but shutup...this is definitely the kinda bike that deserves a name. Maybe a better one will manifest itself.

ANYWAY, you can see pictures of the bike in the link in the previous blog post. Pictures of me and Richard riding it are forthcoming. After we bought the bike, we loaded it into the minivan and drove back to Atlanta, where we ate Indian food at a cool place called Havelli. Djin and I ate there once, so I knew it was good. Hmm, I wonder if Djin still reads this blog. Heh, doubt it. Nobody else seems to.

WHY NOT? Jesus, what makes better blog material than a fat man on a dirtbike that's WAY too small for him?

After lunch we found an abandoned parking lot and did some test-riding. Now neither Richard nor myself have EVER ridden before. Our parents HATE motorcycles, and we were forbidden growing up. I've never had much interest in them until recently. It's amazing how a motorcycle for only 75 bucks will change your perspective :) Honestly, recently, I've really been interested in them. It seems like a fun hobby, and while not completely safe, it's good to do dangerous stuff once and a while.

Riding that motorcycle around that parking lot was SO fun. It really was a trip! It was unlike anything else, and I really can see why it's such a popular past-time.

After we got done with that, we loaded the bike back up, and went to my apartment, where richard and I both fell asleep. We woke up a little later to meet the rest of my family in MidTown at The South City Kitchen, a wonderful southern cooking/gourmet place they have here.

After dinner, all 6 of us went to see Simon and Garfunkle at the Phillips Arena.

HOLY GOD. That show was AMAZING...I really loved every second of it. Those guys still have it, man. That was the music of my highschool years, and to actually see the two of them, on stage together, live, and singing again was magical. All of us just loved it.

After the show we all rode back to columbus, and I spent saturday night there, and spent time with my family on sunday. Around 5 or so I had to get on the road, because Julia and Cookie flew in!!! :)

I picked my babies up at the airport, and then we went to Chuck E. Cheese's. We came home, watched some Family Guy on DVD (HA HA! Julia's mom sent me Season 3 for Christmas, and she made me open it last night!!)

GOD I can't explain how good it feels to have both my girls back home.

Of course, then I had to come to work this morning, so that sucked :(

Heh, I wonder what they're up to now. I hope they're awake! I think I'll give them a call!

And now for something completely different.

2003-12-19T07:38:00.000-08:00

Also, I'm buying a motorcycle this coming weekend.

This one!

WOO HAW!

Yes, I'm completely serious.

Sausage and Buscuit

2003-12-19T07:15:00.000-08:00

This morning woke up early to go take care of some christmas shopping (that didn't work out at all, but nevermind.)

While I was waiting for the store to open I went to Hardee's (Or Carl Jr.s for everyone out west) for breakfast.

Hardees is where my grandpa B used to go EVERY morning for a "Sausage and Biscuit" and coffee. When I was a young kid, and we'd stay with him, he'd take us with him to Hardees, and I spent many a morning eating way more than I needed while he chastized me for being fat.

I love him so much. He is one of the funniest people I know. He enjoys joking and laughing, and is just crazy. I got SO much of my sense of humor from him.

I don't think he has much longer. Last time I was there, we went to see him for a bit and he was not doing good at all. I feel so bad for him, but after 87 years, it looks like his body is finally giving up. He's on dialysis every other day. He can't eat Hardees anymore. His intestinal tract is so weak it can't move solids anymore. He has to be "evacuated" by a doctor. My mom says he'll go to the bathroom at 3 in the morning to try and move his bowels and he ends up screaming and grunting in pain from pushing so hard.

I know that was gross to read...but it's his reality :(

I don't think he has long left. Honestly, my grandmother can't keep up with him much longer. She's only 1 year younger than him, but thank God, she's in much better health. But he's become such a full time project that I don't think she can keep it up. He won't go to a care home. He'd rather blow his brains out. Honestly? If the choices were him killing himself, and him going into a care home, I might be the one to give him the gun. He can't live in a home. He wouldn't be happy. Some birds weren't meant to be caged.

I dunno how long he has. I've been ignoring it, but right now it's weighing heavily on me. I'll miss him so much. I remember that dull aching pain I felt for SO LONG after Grandpa Stewart died. I don't want to feel that again.

In my own selfishness, I hope he can hold on until after the wedding. Not so he can go. (Because he won't...he wouldn't have if he was strong as an ox...he just doesn't like that kinda thing). But so I can have Julia there when it does happen. That may be selfish, to hope to have her around to comfort me when I'm hurting...but I honestly don't know how I could make it through it without her. But maybe I'm being unfair, because she didn't let me come see her when she lost her grandpa, and she had to go through that without me.

I think we're gonna get to see him sometime over the christmas break. It just really hurts to know each time I see him that it's very likely to be the last :(

Oh lest I forget...

2003-12-12T07:33:00.000-08:00

Also, I woke up this morning, and I guess I was so blown away by the dream (seriously, I woke up terrified) that I did the WORST job of packing ever.

See, I'm going to see Julia this weekend (Which is so AWESOME! HEEE!) but, umm...

Yeah, looks like steve's got to go home because if he doesn't he's gonna spend all weekend wearing the same socks, but having plenty of toothbrushes at his disposal.

I'm such a mess.

Will it ever fucking stop?

2003-12-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

Last year I had a horrible nightmare, one that I've been having for years, and that, I guess, I'll never stop having. No, not Rosanne Barr Naked.

I graduated High School almost 10 years ago. I graduated college 5 years ago.

And yet, I still have those damn test anxiety problems.

Last night I had a test with Mr. Rich...I dunno why he was called that...I never had a teacher named Mr. Rich. I can assume it was on some TV show that was on while I was asleep? Anyway, Mr. Rich was actually Mr. Dorman, my 12th grade Calculus teacher. He looked, talked everything, exactly like Mr. Dorman. And he was giving a test on disney history. Which is weird, because it was a math test...but we had to be able to take, like, random facts about disney, and use these facts as the basis for our mathematics work. Which is just insane. But I felt confident that I could do good because I felt smart enough to figure the rest, assuming I just knew the basic random facts.

The first two questions were "When was Disney Land started." and "When was Walt Disney World started." The answers were available to us in clues that Mr. Dorman had handed out, but I couldn't get any of my clues to make sense. Mine were different from everyone else, and I couldn't see anyone else's.

It was horrible. I was so scared. I felt so...inadequate.

I've been out of school for years...why does this still haunt me.

The worst part is? I never really had much problem with tests. I generally did pretty good on them, eventhough I always dreaded getting my grades. But it's enough to make me want to scream I'll NEVER EVER go back to school again. NEVER.

God I'm posting my dreams now. Why don't I just shut this down?

I don't blog...

2003-12-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

I really don't...I just post here every few weeks so it won't be yet another dead blog.

Anyway, speaking of pointless shit...Today I saw the strangest thing. A Tweety Bird license plate frame. You know, those border things that go around License Plates? Sometimes they're advertisements for Car Dealerships, or say something stupid like 'I'd rather be fucking mannequins" for the people who want all of the stupidity of bumperstickers, but think real bumperstickers are tacky. But this one was just a tweety bird thing. At the bottom it said "I Tawt I Taw a Puddy Tat."

Now, come on. I honestly can see someone buying one of these. Like they're in a Warner Bros. Store, or they're at Six Flags (which is nothing but a huge park dedicated to selling stupid Warner Bros. shit) and they see it and think "Aww, Tweety's cute...I like Tweety, I will buy this." I can envision that.

But then someone going home, unscrewing their license plate from their vehicle and re-attatching it with that stupid little thing? That I can't envision. Honestly, I refuse to believe that anyone who would buy a tweety license plate frame is smart enough to operate a Screw driver.

I hate people.

Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside!

2003-11-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess I should announce, for anyone who cares (AND YOU ALL BETTER!)

Rob's Blog is back!! Woo Haw!!!!

In other Rob news, Robbie sent Julia and I the first draft of what he's thinking about saying for our wedding. Just...WOW. I just can't explain it. He captured everything I wanted him to capture. He was touching and what he wrote was just simply beautiful. It actually made me well up a little because it just totally reminded me of how lucky I am to be marrying such a special girl. It's so exciting!

just over 7 months to go! They can't go fast enough, y'all. I'm serious.

Oh, and, last night I installed AtlantaSteve's Satellite Radio v. 2.18.2556 into my new car. It's so good to have satellite radio again.

Cars, Cars, Cars

2003-10-27T06:45:00.000-08:00

Well, what a weekend.

Friday, I bought a new car. Well, it's new to me. Like NBC used to say. Anyway, 1999 Toyota Camry. It's the one I was looking at a few posts ago. It has a V6 (which means it's still missing 2 cylinders, but at least it's not a 4 cylinder...or as I like to call it, Half an Engine) AND it's stick-shift, which I'm loving. I REALLY missed driving a stick. I haven't "had" a stickshift car since our old Pinto. Which was, whatever the critics say aside, the BEST car ever built.

Then, on sunday, I was in the office getting some work done when my sister, Kat, calls to tell me she just totaled her car. She was going around a big long sweeping interstate ramp in the rain and the car started to spin and she ran into both guard rails as her car was spinning. She called me so I ran to see her. Her car was destroyed. She was fine. But her car was ruined. so, now I'm gonna let her have my old car, and HOPE nothing happens. If she got hurt in my car I would vomit.

To top this all off, last weekend, Julia was involved in a wreck with an idiot Drunk Driver who lost control of his car and almost killed her. Fortunately, both she and her car came out fine with no damage, but a second or so in either way? God I don't even want to think about it.

It's funny. We've spent the last few hundred years conquering nature. We are no longer as likely to die from her diseases and misfortunes. We know what animals and plants to eat, and which to avoid. Sure, we're fat from McDonalds and such, but your chances of dying as a young child for eating the wrong berries, or eating an animal with a disease, or being sneezed on by someone with smallpox are GREATLY reduced.

And yet, we've discovered the automobile. These little boxes we drive around in at speeds way higher than we were intended to go. And while I love cars, and am picky about what I'll buy, and grew up in a car culture, and LOVE driving...a part of me kinda wishes that those I love didn't have to drive. It scares the tar out of me to realize that someone who is dear to me, someone I can't imagine life without, can be riding along, going to buy groceries, or going to work, or go sell her clothes at Plato's Closet, and then, BAM, all of a sudden have him or her pulled from my life, pulled from this world, in a split second...no warning, no second thoughts.

But what can we do? This is the life we have chosen. I guess life really is always fragile. We've just always learned to pretend it's not.

Ummm... Holy Titty Twisting Christ!

2003-10-26T11:46:00.000-08:00

Umm, if you go to BlogForum and look on the right side of the page, you'll see this blog was selected as one of the top 10 of the week.

What the SWEET BLUE FUCK for, I haven't a clue, but hey, that's cool!

Anyway, For The Record they named my blog "I'm Getting Married." and that's NOT the name, that's just a headline I put up there so I could link to the OFFICIAL website of me and my #1 Sweet Bitch Love Me Long Time, Julia, whom I adore...especially since she doesn't get offended when I call her a bitch, and she knows I only do it with love in my heart and an ironic smile on my face. (I adore you sweetie!)

OK Enough mush. The REAL name for this blog is "http://atlantasteve.blogspot.com - The first goddamn word in water filtration and purification systems." and blogforum.com better not fucking forget it!

Anyway, to anyone who found this blog through that link, I'm horribly sorry to waste your time, because this blog sucks donkey balls.

I AM A WINNER! WHERE'S MY PRIZE, BLOGFUCKERS!?

P.S. I'm at work right now. That sucks.

I guess I should say...

2003-10-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

For all those that care, Rob is in mexico, and he is doing very well. He's living with a GIRL (WOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!</SavedByTheBell>) and is having a marvelous time.

As for his blog, I don't expect to see it up anytime soon. He sent out the following email, which I shall exerpt here:

[GIRL] and i are gettin along real damn good... shes funny and bright and clever and goofy as fuck, much like me... only not anywhere near as funny, bright or clever... i hope no one is surprised to learn that we have sex.. and by god do i mean SEX... at least once or twice a day... i have finally found someone who has a similarly voracious sexual appetite... that is, someone who isnt Arris. OHGODNO.

i met [GIRL]s parents and they seem to love me.. her dad took me to his fishmonger and even paid for my fish... i found that the bandera fish is a lot like catfish, and the girl and i fried some up in cornmeal last night.. god damn thems were good.. i know you dont like catfish, Steve, but since youre a goddamn Atlanta yankee, i can forgive you.

god.. im updating this joints norton antivirus.. and you good people can probably tell that i cant figure out how to type a fucking apostrophe on this 3rd world gay keyboard... fuck.

[this town] is hot... i live right on the beach, which is actually a pretty nice spot... the town itself however is pretty unimpressive.. not nasty or anything, just boring. this tripe eating bitch at the market today told us not to pick and sniff from her spice plants, and when we asked what all types she had, she told us "i dont know.. all types." Those of you who know me well know what usually happens when im treated rudely by someone whose job it is to sell me shit... i typically buy 8 cents worth of product and drop a $20, say "fuck it, i dont need the change" and let them know i could buy and sell them... but this time, since i was with the girl and didnt wanna get all jackassy, i didnt do that... i think ill go back before i leave and beat that old bitch to death with the jawbone of an ass...

[GIRL]s folks are gonna take me horseback riding soon.. ive been sick since ive been here.. first it was exhaustion and the change in climate (its fucking hot here) and then i got a fever.. i was shivering in bed the other night, but my baby held me tight... and then we fucked like two rabbits on speed.. thats right, my non fornicating friends (Arris) i am having regular sex.

i hate surfer guys. they all have roughly the same hair and every time i pass one i think i can hear the street dogs telling me that the only way to achieve true forgiveness is to beat their skulls in with a nice palm sized rock.

WEAR THE FLESH

love
rob

I don't have his permission to post this, so hopefully he won't kill me when he finds out. Just wanted to spread THE WORD.

We need your input!

2003-10-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

I designed some Save The Date cards for our wedding. And we need your input!

Vote for your favorite!

Well

2003-10-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

I liked the car, I really did. It's a 199 Toyota Camry with a V6 and a Stick Shift Tranny. This is one of the cars I've been looking at, and I'm almost certain it's the most reliable. But one thing is killing me.

The car failed an emission inspection. I'm NOT about to buy a car I can't even TAG in my own county.

Also, the guy is upside down on his loan more than a grand. Which means:
A) everybit I negotitate him down, he has to come out of pocket.
B) what if he can't cover the costs?
C) What kind of paperwork nightmare is THIS going to be?

The car was beautiful, though. It had been well cared for, and he likes it a lot, which makes me think he's not motivated to sell it. But he's been trying to sell it since April or so, with no luck. That means I have bargaining power.

I dunno, we'll have to see. But I'm not 100% sure this is gonna work out.

oooh feel the heart beat

2003-10-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

Man. I am still so juvenile.

I have decided (at the request of my future wife and my mom) that I should buy a new car. My current car, a 1997 T-Bird has 108K miles, and has seen better days. BUT, that son of a bitch hasn't died on me once, so I don't care, it's a good car.

Anyway, I did a pre-approval for a loan today, AND I called a guy to go look at his car. You cannot understand the butterflies.

First of all, a credit check ALWAYS gives me butterflies. Anytime I'm being judged I just feel so...scared. So, scrutinized. Not only that but calling people and talking to them on the phone will NEVER stop weirding me out. And now I gotta go and drive to see this fellow? Man that's gonna be weird. I just, I dunno, I'll NEVER get used to that I guess. here I am 27, getting ready to get married, and I get jittery over talking to people. Well, whatever.

Let's not even TALK about when I start trying to negotiate the price!

Steve

Dream on Seapig.

2003-10-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

This week i went to this thing called "Shorts Slam" where independent (I mean REAL indy) shorts were shown, and people had to judge them...if it sucked, people would boo and the movie got shut off.

I went because the movie I worked on a year or so back (and even had a 2 second cameo in) was showing. That was cool.

Except it sucked balls for 2 reasons:
1) the guy bringing the movie didn't show up :( Well, until it was kinda too late. And then the audience booed it. Bastards.

2)EVERY FUCKING MOVIE THERE SUCKED! God it was awful. It was wonderful for my self esteem, because, dude, I know SHIT about making movies but I could make a better movie with a webcam and a dumb joke.

ANd woo haw! I did!

Well, I actually made this around Christmas time, and was always too embarassed to show it. But now? Fuck it.

I've always held that while some comedy works by simply using smart ideas and clever timing, that another level of comedy works because someone is willing to make an ass of himself. And this time, that himself is MYSELF!

Anyone who downloaded my triumphant "In the Ghetto" will recognize this, as I grabbed a line from it to make the "title card" at the end.

And so I present to you. "The China Attack!"

I'M A GOD DAMN GENIUS!

why would you read this blog?

2003-10-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Since I never post here, why would you read it? Since you never read it, why would I post here. It's like the fucking 64,000 dollar pyramid or something.

Or something.

ANYWAY, I've been shitty at posting. So I guess there's some stuff to talk about.

I went down to Julia's house this past weekend to take her as my date to a ROCK and ROLL show. We went to see Radiohead. I was not a Radiohead fan going in, because, well, I've probably heard 3 of their songs, total. So the show was a learning experience. BUT I will say, they are an awesome band, and they put on an awesome show. I did enjoy getting to see them. I NEED to get some of their CDs so I can get more into it, but by and large I was very impressed!

aside from driving across the state to see the band, our weekend was very relaxed. We didn't do a whole lot of driving around, or going to do stuff. We just took shit super easy, and that was a lot of fun.

I think one of my favorite times was sitting on the lawn waiting for the show to start. We just sat there and talked and laughed and ate and drank (NON ALCOHOLIC COLAS) and had a great time. Don't get me wrong, the concert was awesome...but, you know, spending time with Julia is always more fun :) During the concert we didn't get much "together" time. Though, I will say this. You can't know the joy I felt when a song Julia really liked came on and she'd get super excited and start jumping around and going nuts. That was very awesome.

I also dug the shit out of our hotel. Major kudos to Julia for that one. She found this awesome mariott owned property for only 50 a night!!! It was a TOTAL steal! The room had a bathroom so big you could probably hide like, 40 dead hookers in it! AND the floor was so clean you could eat off it. We didn't do that, though, because we didn't have any food. FUCK! I shoulda checked for a RoboBar...we MIGHT have been able to eat off the bathroom floor.

Oh, I also liked making fun of this 12 year old boy's hair in spanish. Of course by making fun, I mean I said "Mira el pelo de eso nino" which just means "Look at that kid's hair" but still, I felt acomplished.

Ok this post is disjointed enough :) If you want to read more about my weekend, read it from Julia's blog.

With all Due respect to Elvis

2003-09-28T15:56:00.000-07:00

I've been playing with my webcam and made a nice little video. And by nice I mean it sucks :)

It's silly, and most people will never get it. But this one's just for you, Sweetie.

If you have Windows Media Player you can download it:
Click Here!

Ding dong the bells are gonna chime!

2003-09-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

Our engagement photos are up!

Robbie made this one for me:

Don't talk to me...

2003-09-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so sad right now. Tonight I have to drive Julia to the airport and make her go home...what unfairness.

Julia and I have been together since Thursday afternoon, and while it seems like a long time ago that I was trying to fight with Atlanta traffic to be at the airport in time to see her (I failed...I was late :( ), the time since then seemed to fly by.

It was SUCH an eventful weekend, though. First off, Thursday night, we didn't do shit. I picked Julia up from the airport and I took her to Fuddruckers for big-ass-burger-time...and it was GOOOOD. Then we went home, and we spent the rest of the evening in watching the movie "Office Space" which Julia, RIGHTLY, loved.

Friday, unfortuanately, I had to go to work, which sucked, but Julia stayed home to meet the DirecTV guy, so that I could have sattellite installed, which sucks because the signal strength he left us with was crap. All the channels were flaky and made some horrible noises. It sucked big-time. So now I gotta lay-out Wed. Morning so I can meet the next sattelite guy and see what he does. Cock-asses.

Anyway, Friday night Julia and I went out shopping, mostly for the pictures we were having made the next morning. SOOO...we went to a big and tall men's shop (For me, not for her...because she's not very big or tall...or manly) and then we went to the mall to look around. I was pretty bored with the mall-ness, (Cause I hate malls) so I bided my time trying to crack julia up and entertain myself, which is always fun. This is why it's cool to be me...If ever I'm bored I just decide to be a nut and so it's always entertaining. Then we went to the Italian place, Carrabas, and shared some sirloin marsala. Damn it was good. We both love Carrabas.

Then, after dropping by Wall Mart, we went looking for Inserrection, a Sex Shop. But we couldn't find it where it was supposed to be...it was such a pain in the ass. We drove WAY up north and found one, but it was very icky and creepy looking and we did not want to go there...so after driving up and down the road for WAY too long, we went home. Defeated. Oh well. Neither Julia nor I have ever been to a Sex Shop, and we thought it'd be a fun thing to do...but it didn't work out so well.

The next day, Saturday, we woke up and went to Lenox mall, the rich people mall, to buy some MAC cosmetics so that Julia could get a free makeover. That didn't work well, as everyone was all booked up and couldn't make her over...
SO we went to Phipps Mall and found someone would would give Julia a Chanel makeover. Since we were starting to get short on time, this girl was a GOD SEND, because she got us done JUST in time to get to the photoshoot on time. Y'all shoulda seen Julia, for real. This girl did Julia's Makeup totally different from how Julia does it. She just highlighted Julia's natural beauty, and when she was done, you couldn't tell she was wearing any makeup at all, except for on her eyes, but she looked awesome.

Then we SPED downtown to go to Centennial Olympic Park, and met up with our Photo guy, Andrew. Andrew was awesome. He really was so fun to work with. He was good at keeping us natural and fresh and not getting that "plastered on" smile look. We get our pictures Wednesday, I think, and I sure can't wait!

Then we went to Little Five Points, an Atlanta neighborhood full of people who nobody understands. We were trying to go to Star Bar because they have one of those old-timey photo-booths where you get in and get 4 pictures taken on a strip. Julia and I need some of those for our Save The Date cards, so we wanted to get in. Unfortunately, the Bar was closed and the girl there was a super asshole and was like "Come back at 9." OK Fuck you, twat.

Instead, we met up with my Sister, Kat, and her roommates James and Chelsea, and we went to The Vortex...a crazy cool, VERY Atlanta place to eat. The building has a huge skull you have to pass through to enter the restaurant. We ate there, it was alright, not great, and then Julia and I headed for home, saying bye to Kat et al.

Julia and I got home, watched some TV, and rested after a SUPER long day. We watched "Clerks" (again, Yay, julia liked it) And then left to go to Krispy Kreeme because we're so commited to staying fit. After our donut supper, we went home and collpased like the sick piggies we were.

The next morning, Julia's brother Netty called and we all met up for Burritos at Moe's in Buckhead. It was good, and Netty was trying to help Julia with some problems, and you could tell he really loves her...even if they do butt heads at times :) I like Netty.

After Lunch we went to go look for "something sweet." Julia said she wanted "something sweet." We went driving up and down a road, and discovered another location for "Inserrection." This one didn't look dirty or seedy, AND it existed, so we were like "COOL!" So we went there.

Ehh. Sex Shops are over-rated. I mean, if I had a particular Sex Need, it would be nice to go in and be able to pick it up...but just to go in and browse? Sex has rarely been so boring...feh.

After that we found a Zesto's Ice Cream parlor. I've seen Zesto's before, but never had one...so we went there, Julia got a sundae that was SWIMMIN in fudge sauce, and I got a butterscotch Milkshake. DAMN it was good! Then we went to a Big Lots we passed and looked for some Traschans for my apartment. Our total bill, for the trashcans, a hairdyer, and a few other things was $19.83. Julia gave her a $20, so expected 17 cents back. She got 17 DOLLARS! SO after we realized the clerks' little SNAFU, we took the money back to her, and got our 17 cents. Yeah, that's right, we were honest. SUCK ON THAT, OSAMA! (I have no idea what that means)

Then we went to KMart, because it was right there, and as we walked in LO AND BEHOLD! They had one of those photo booths!!!! So we got our stuff together that we needed for the pictures, and started playing with the booth. And while that was fun, we really had no clue what we were doing. We ended up taking 5 strips, of which we MIGHT be able to find 4 good pictures we need. Yeah, it was that bad :)

We then went back home, and watched DOGMA. After DOGMA we had 15 minutes til "Sex and the City" started, and that fucking DirecTV dish was giving me problems. And try as I might, I COULD NOT get it working for Julia to watch her show. I'm still sorry, Julia :( Also, I got real mad and grouchy because of it, and called DirecTV to bitch. Julia left to go get food, and I could tell she was kinda pissed that I was getting all ornery over it, but I felt like I was letting her down, and I HATE to do that. We went through so much shit to have that dish up SPECIFICALLY so she could watch Sex and the City...and we got fucked.

Anyway, then we watched Conan's special, which was funny, and Julia fell asleep while we were watching 11Alive's cheesy Local NewsCast, and so I woke her up and we went up to bed to sleep. And sleep we did. I woke up late for work and had to kinda rush out the door. And that's where I am now....

In a bit I'm gonna go home to have lunch with her. I don't think I'm gonna come back to work. I'll spend my last few hours with Julia before putting her on a plane back to Florida. And so while I'll make the best of the time we have left together, I'm still pretty darn sad. I hate that our wonderful weekends together always have to end :(

OK FUCK the Queer Eye guys

2003-09-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

My god what a weekend. I've just gotta say this. I cannot cook.

So, this Thursday night, September 11th, Julia is going to FLY to see me. She's not even worried. She's so brave :)

Well, I was telling a woman I work with, a super sweet black lady that I love to tears (White chicks suck) about Julia coming and she said to me "Well, you need to do something special and romantic for that girl...something you haven't done before." She was right! I wanted to do something special and beautiful for her...something to surprise her and make her happy. And since I've been watching too much Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (That's a lie, I've only seen a few episodes, since I can only catch it when it's on NBC because I don't have cable because I'm cheap and lazy), so I decided I'd be Mr Straight guy and COOK a big ole romantic ass dinner for Thursday night when she gets in.

So I spent the last week assembling recipes and trying to get the "perfect menu." I convinced my mom to let me use her card-table, and got a lead on some nice folding chairs. I hatched the perfect plan where I would be this super dick to Julia and not take her to go eat and be like "No, I just wanna go home, maybe order some pizza, or some shit."

And then when she walked in?

Pastry wrapped Brie with a raspberry sauce
Salad with Home made Ranch Dressing
Steaks in a Bordelaise Sauce
Oven baked Potato Gallets
Homemade chocolate gelato

It was gonna be perfect!

Hey, did you ever see that movie, "A Perfect Storm?" See, the Storm was "Perfect" even though it was fucked up and evil and disastrous and killed people. It was a horrible storm, but it was so good at being horrible that it was "perfect."

So I guess, using this logic, this dinner would have been "perfect."

I started Saturday morning by going to Columbus's (I was there for the weekend) Butcher Shop and buying some fresh New York Strip Steaks, and some Marrow for the bordelaise sauce.

They didn't have Marrow :( So I went ahead and got the NY Strips. Now realize, these weren't the ones for Julia, these were the ones for my practice to see if I could do it.

I then spent several hours calling and driving all over Columbus trying to find some god damn Shank Bone Marrow. It is impossible to find :( I called a Butcher Shop in Atlanta, and they did indeed have it, but it does me no good in Columbus. SO I look around and decide "Fuck it, I"m making a simpler steak that uses a shallot sauce instead of marrow." This seems to be less likely to fuck up anyway, right?

I got home with my steaks, and placed a Call (or should I say, IM) in to ROB, who drove all the way into Columbus to start cooking. Ok, now, ROB may be insane and he maybe lived with a year's worth of compiled trash, but he is a hell of a cook. In fact, I bet if you laid that 1 year's worth of trash end to end, you could have a display worthy of a museum showing the progression and evolution of his skills.

So Rob came over and we immediately ran to Publix and started buying all kinds of crazy shit. Mustards and herbs, and beefstock and fruits, and...well, I don't remember what all we bought...
but it came out to 63 dollars, so it musta been awesome. We came home and started assessing our situation and starting cooking.

I started by creating the potato gallets...which apparently I know nothing about, because I KNOW I sliced those potatoes paper thin (I used a peeler and my MAD SKILLS) and followed the recipe. They're supposed to come out as a thin pile of crispy thin potatoes, a baked chip, if you will. Well, they turned out burnt. AND not in a good way.

So ok "FUCK potatoes...maybe I'll make some rice or something...fuck I dunno." It is at this late hour I realize I shoulda just gone to KFC and bought some mashed taters and gravy. Fuck.

Then we started on the raspberry stuff. We started boiling raspberries in some cheap raspberry zinfandel wine we bought, and boiled that down, putting in a lot of sugar. A quick run to Winn Dixie for some Corn Starch (for the gelato, mom didn't have any, FUCK) and some Heavy Cream (We decided to whip the raspberry juice with the heavy cream) later, we were off. I pulled out my mom's mixer and started whipping the heavy cream. Then we strained all the seeds out of the raspberries (Seeds I was ready to throw away, but Rob made me keep them) and mixed the juice and the cream together, which kinda made this weird raspberry cream stuff that wasn't really that great. At this point I'm getting frustrated, but I continue onward.

We actually find out that the seeds I was gonna throw out made a real nice sauce for the Brie, and that was actually quite good...the whipped cream concoction we just threw in the ice cream maker for shits and grins (I bought an ice cream maker for this fabulous experiment, BTW) It turned out that this raspberry stuff actually froze well and looked like icecream! It tasted like cold raspberry lard, though. Not good.

So now we taste the ranch that'd been made much earlier. The fucking DILL WEED was so strong that I almost gagged. Fucking dill ranch, who wants dill ranch? Ewww it was nasty. SO we threw that out.

Then we start the gelato. The Gelato recipe requires ridiculous steps "Strain entire mixture through a fine mesh sieve." Fuck you. AND will take forever "Chill in fridge for an hour and a half." FUCK YOU AGAIN. I kinda skipped steps that pissed me off, and while, when I was done, I actually had a fairly decent chocolate icecream thing....it wasn't great.

So at this point here's where I am:
Down 100 dollars.
10 hours of work, including 5 hours of cooking
1 bowl full of nasty dill-distress-dressing
1 pretty decent Brie
2 table spoons of raspberry seeds that cost 15 dollars and 2 hours to make
Lard Ice Cream
Kinda OK but not great Gelato
4 raw steaks that I haven't even GOT to, yet
1 trashcan full of nasty burnt potato disasters
1 broken spirit
1 dirty kitchen
1 pissed off mommy
1 Rob who was mad because the wine we used for the raspberries was too weak to get drunk off of.

At this point I cried uncle. I decided I would call Julia and let her in on this horrible disaster. I had kinda brushed her off earlier that evening because I couldn't talk...I had to cook. But at this point, all I want is someone to tell me they love me and for that someone to NOT BE ROB.

So I called her and had my mom tell her the hell her kitchen was in. I think told Julia I was sorry that I wasn't a good Straight Guy, and that Rob apparently wasn't a good QUEER EYE, and I folded in the towel.

Next time? Scrambled Eggs and Fried Bologna...I won't fuck that up.

P.S when it was over, Rob cooked two steaks himself, and fuck they were good. Fucking asshole.

It's true, you know

2003-08-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

http://www.internetisshit.org/

This blog proves it.

Don't say I didn't warn you...

2003-08-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

Fuckig Hockey Freaks!

2003-08-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well...according to George Pataki, the power outage in the north-east actually started in CANADA.

CANADA people. You think it's something that just happened? OOHHHH no. Think about it...this is obviously Canada's first stage to an attack against the US. Now, I'll admit, there's little to no evidence of this, and it could just be a coincidence. BUT WE MUST PROTECT OURSELVES!! As General George Bush, Jr. has taught us, you must strike first and ask questions later.

It's time for Regime Change in the Great White North, folks. Think about what a sick twisted fuck Chretien is. He actually CUT THE POWER ON HIS OWN PEOPLE! Now, while, I'm not really, you know, that mad about that, BUT it will give us a good excuse for our attacks against Canada AFTER the fact. You know when we can't find any evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction or whatever it is we're looking for in Canada, we can always point back to him tortuing his own citiens by pulling the power on them.

He's a dangerous man, people...and it is George Bush's God Given Duty to take all dangerous men DOWN.
---
Seriously, though, I hope everyone who was caught up in the power crap yesterday is OK and that the lights will be back on soon.

hahhahahaha

2003-08-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

Good one, Rob :)

This Place Here

2003-08-13T06:25:00.000-07:00

Today I've been blogging for 2 years. It's been quite an awesome experience. Changed my life...for the better, no doubt :)

Tonight I'm driving down to Florida. I got a date tomorrow night :)

Anyway, since I rarely blog about E/N things anymore, I think I'll just do one for old time's sake...

You know what the BEST part about living now is? We're no longer in an easy to say decade. I HATE easy to say decades. Why? Because shit like "It's the 90's Man" makes NO fucking sense. And it was always used as some kind of argument against a certain political thought. "Dude, I don't get why pot's still illegal, I mean, hello, it's the 90's man" WHAT? because the third digit in our year changed, there should be some massive remake of how shit works? Look...Pop culture churns every 3-4 years...it's just the one that was in churn at the END of the decade that gets to be that decade's "description."

The 60's were about hippies
The 70's were disco
The 80's were hair bands, punk and madonna
the 90's were grunge and enlightened apathy.

but thank CHRIST we're now in a time that's hard to give a name.

"Dude, there's no reason we shouldn't be riding on the backs of flying robots. I mean, hello, it's the zero-eths, dude."

HAHAHA, don't work, does it, Fonzie?

The only one that DOES work is "Come on, man, it's the 21st century." but that just sounds like you're insane...and we have all those fantastic futurists to thank for that. The ones that told us the 21st century would bring us flying cars and cities in the skies made the term "21st Century" equate to "Wacky out of this world space-suit technology." Sow when someone says "21st Century" as some kind of excuse for some political opinion, they seem like a nut-job who's obsessed with robo-maids.

I wonder if we're gonna have to go through this shit again when we get to 2020. "Come on man, I don't get why sex with animals is still illegal...I mean, hello, it's the twenties, dude." Of course there's a part of me that hopes that the twenties includes prohibition, mob activity, rum-runners, Tommy Guns, and flappers. Because, dude? the 20s were HOT! OH except for that Great Depression shit.

This morning on the radio I actually heard a guy say "Well, you know, it's the year 2000, so people know what to expect."

WHAT? Dude...you're 3 years behind the time.

Whatever...if your opinion on how the world should be is based on the gregorian calander, you're a fucking retard.

I mean, come on, it's 2003, we should be above that stupidity by now.

(Yes I realize this blog post wasn't as funny as I expected when I started writing...shutup, we can't all be Andrew Dice Clay.)

----
Arris told me last weekend he doesn't read my blog anymore. I guess that means I can tell everyone...We're pretty sure he's gay. Like, really gay. Big time.

In Defense of Marriage...

2003-08-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

I stand here today ready to discuss Gay Marriage.

And I must say, regardless of what may be populare, I stand in defense of marriage on this issue.

I do not want the chastity, virtue and importance of marriage to be cheapened. Marriage and family are VERY important concepts to me, and I will not let those arguing the "Fool's side." in this debate belittle that important concept.

So the first thing I advocate in defense of marriage is the end of government regulated domestic partner benefits. I do not like domestic partner benefits. I believe they ENCOURAGE people to live together before marriage. If you're "Indepndent and Free" enough to live together without marriage, you're "Indepdent and Free" enough to pay for your own god-damn health-insurance. Remember, this opinion is because I hold marriage so valuable and important for our society, that I do not believe and encouraging people to live together before wedlock. IF they want to I don't believe they should be stopped, or discouraged, BUT, I don't believe the government should have the right to tell Health Insurance Providers, by force of Law, that they must provide this benefit. On the other hand, if an individual running his(her) own business wishes to make this concession to his/her employees, I say they should have every right to do so.

Now for the biggie on how I believe we must defend and strengthen marriage. We must allow homosexual couples the right to marry, just as heterosexual couples can. First of all, we should encourage pair-bonding for life. I believe pair-bonding is a very important and ingrained (societally) motivator, and one that empowers the couple that is bonded. I do NOT believe it is our natural way. I believe we were not built (strictly) for monogamy, like the penguin was, but I DO believe we are capable of it, and I do believe our society chose this method to bring rigidty, strength and stability to the family, which benefits not only the individual members of the family, but also the society at large. Homosexuals will NOT be able to pair-bond effectively with members of the opposite sex. They've tried it, it's always a disaster for everyone involved, and it's just not natural to tell someone attracted only to their same sex that they must marry a member of the opposite sex. If someone told me I had to marry a man I'd blow my brains out right after puking my lungs out. To encourage pair-bonding across the society, hence, to strengthen and defend marriage, we must allow homosexuals to marry.

Homosexual pair-bonds have been denied the society recognition of thier pairbond, so they did the only thing they could do. They shacked up. They moved in together, held 'pseudo' wedding ceremonies (pseudo only in that the archaic government would not recognize them) and they did the best pair-bonding they could without actually getting the benefits, responsibilities, or legally binding contractual commitment that heterosexuals got.

SO...they shack up. They become "domestic partners." Now anyone with any sense (Which means I'm not including Jerry Falwell, or Pat Robertson, etc) knows that it's unfair and downright evil to extend legal benefits to heterosexuals, benefits like health insurance, life insurance, estate rights, right to custody of children in the event of a partner's death, right to visit your partner in ICU, right to control your partner's funeral arrangments. Heterosexuals get, flaunt, and take for granted these VERY basic rights. SO, what's the only solution? They created this concept of the "Domestic Partner." They allowed unmarried couples to get some, many, or all (depending on jourisdiction) of the rights married couples have. That is a blow at marriage. And truly the only reason to really create this concept of "Domestic Partner Rights" is because we realize it's draconian to deny the rights married hetero couples have to homosexual couples that cannot marry. BUT in creating the "Domestic Partner" we must, to be fair extend these rights to unmarried heterosexual couples(Although, I find it odd that we must be fair to hetero couples, but not to homo-couples...hmm), and thus, marriage is damaged and belittled.

And I'm defending marriage. I'm standing in support of marriage. I say it is high time this society realize that the more valuable part of marriage is the pair-bond...not the bond of man and woman. (although, since, you know, I dig pussy, the bond of man and woman is pretty important to me, too! ;) )

9 to 5, what a way to make a living...

2003-07-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

Why won't Dabney Colman ever sexually harass me?? :(

Right now I'm at work, and I REALLY don't want to be here. Because right now, Julia and Cookie are at my apartment!! I wanna be home!

But It's SOOO great :) They drove up Friday, and we spent the weekend in columbus, and then yesterday drove back to Atlanta, and they'll be here all week!!

Yesterday Cookie and I went swimming, and it was SO awesome. I hadn't been swimming in a while, so it was fun. Then we watched Austin Powers 2. Umm, that poor kid is gonna be so fucked up. No 7 year old should be watching "The spy who shagged me."

Hehehehe.

The programmer's Curse

2003-07-17T17:27:00.000-07:00

I'm so proud of myself today.

I mean like right now, I'm really excited. Why?

Well, I took a program I wrote a while ago that simply ran in a single thread, which caused it to basically make the window blocked until the process was done, and only reported information with a simple "Process Failed." message Boxes, and completele rewrote a huge part of the foundation so that the time consuming process ran in another thread, and fired events back at the window to give CONSTANT status updates, including (but not limited to) error information, record counts, etc.

Now, you are staring at your computer wondering what the fuck that means. And THAT is my curse! No matter how great it is, it's not at all impressive to anyone else, because you don't know what it means. Fucking sucks.

Even the woman who uses the program, who will be so grateful for the real-time progress information I'm giving her...she'll have no idea what it means for me to say it's multi threaded, and that it uses events to send information back to the GUI. She'll be gratefull...she won't be impressed.

Blah, what a boring thing to blog about, but seriously, but what I did was cool...but I can't really explain why it was :)

ANYWAY, I had a blast writing it...so, I'm happy.

Threads RULE!

More Rednekkedness.

2003-07-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

OOOH! Nekkedness.

ANYWAY...
Rob lent me his .357 Ruger Cowboy Gun this weekend. The only thing is? He had taken it apart and lost a lot of parts, so it's useless. He knows deep down inside I would rather be a Gunsmith than a computer geek (Especially since the ballet dream is dead) so he let me borrow the gun, I'll make the repairs and play with it for a while, then give it back to him in perfect order and he'll probably buy me dinner (Too bad for him, it takes more than a nice meal to get into my pants!)

So yeah, I figured to order all those tiny intricate parts he lost would cost about 75 bucks. But I just went through Ruger's price list and they only want about 15 bucks for everything...including shipping. So this is gonna be super cheap, and I'll get free use of a gun until Rob asks for it back! WOO HOO!

seriously, there is little I enjoy more than having all the little springs and mechanisms that make a gun fire apart and piecing them back together with my fat, clumsy hands.

Yes, Virginia, I am a redneck.

2003-07-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

So...this weekend I did one of the stupidest things I've ever done. And that's fucking saying something.

Some of you may remember (OK you don't because nobody reads this damn waste) that my dog endured hip surgery, and as her therapy, my dad bought her an above ground pool which we put in our car-port.

Yeah, well, angel swam in the damn thing 2 or 3 times and that was it. So it was just a big waste of time and money. So my dad this weekend was ready to admit he'd made a mistake and instructed me and my brother to punch a hole in the pool, let the water drain out and down the driveway (which is SUPER steep) and then throw the pool away.

I got a "bright" idea and went into my room, grabbed my little bolt-action .22 rifle, and grabbed one shell, and went out with a gun in my hand and a smile on my face.

My dad instantly was stunned! "YOU can't do that!!!"

"why not?"

"There's no telling where the bullet will go."

"Oh hell, as soon as it hits the water it'll slow down and stop. The only damage that'll be done is to the side of the pool."

My dad sat and stared, and then that "heh heh, this is gonna be cool" gene that all males have kicked in. "OK, hell, shoot it let's see what happens."

He warns me "Be careful, that impact might cause the gushing water to tear a pretty big hole and let all the water out. I am defiant.

I fired the gun at the sidewall of the pool, the bullet went in, and the little resultant stream looked like a little boy pissing. I mean it was pathetic. My dad, my brother and I all DIE laughing at how that was so lame...and then we proceed to make the hole bigger, and let the pool drain. Then my dad announces he has to go into work for a few hours and leaves us to take care of the pool.

As soon as my dad's out of earshot, I say to my brother, Richard, "Hey man...if he wasn't here, I would've gone and gotten my shot gun and blown a serious hole in that thing."

"Well he's leaving...go get it man."

So running on pure STUPID I run inside, go to grab my shotgun out of the attic, loaded a single Deer Slug and go running out. I say to Richard "OK this is starting to seem like a bad idea."

"Oh come on boss, you got this."

"Man I dunno."

"Come on, Cuz!! Pump up your balls! You can do this."

So I take my stance, holding the shotgun down with a bead right on the side of that swimming pool. Part of me saying "God this might be so cool." Part of me saying "OH god this is so stupid."

When you find yourself in these positions, if you have decided you wanna err on the side of stupid, you have to know yourself. You have to know that you can make the world disappear. That you can block out any thoughts or emotions and just run on 100% pure determination. When you find yourself hunched down, downhill from a swimming pool with a shotgun in your hands, you have to stop thinking. Don't think about the fact that 12-gauge shotguns with deer slugs in them kick like a motherfucker. Don't think about the noise. Don't think about pulling the trigger...just let it happen. The only thought in your mind has to be "heh heh...this is gonna be cool."

I don't remember pulling the trigger. I know it happened...but I don't remember. BUT, I do remember the sound. I remember the sound well. It was loud. SOOO loud. My ears were momentarily stunned into utter silence. The world was moving in super slow-mo. But my mind, reeling from the concussion of the sound had quit paying attention to the side of the pool a long time ago. My mind regained normal speed, and my ears started working again as the splashes of water hit me in the face. The shotgun had torn a hole about 2 feet in diameter, and water was GUSHING out.

In moments like these...YOU RUN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. And I did. Fast.

After the adrenaline wore off I just couldn't believe I fired a fucking SHOTGUN in my neighborhood. God that was stupid.

Then I went to see Terminator 3. In moments like those you have to know yourself well enough to stop thinking.

And that is how T3 is just like shooting an above ground pool with a 12 gauge, Pump Action shot gun.

The end.

Reason number 1524 I like working for my current company

2003-07-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

Recently my company was bought out. Nothing is changing (mostly) and the President of the company retains control, even after the buy out. As long as we make our money, it stays the same.

But the COOLEST thing...the President (who was at that time, also the owner) said to the guy who was trying to buy the company out "If you don't extend domestic partner benefits to our employees, then it's a dealbreaker and I won't sign."

I think we have 8 people in domestic partner relationships, and he was willing to throw out a MULTI million dollar deal for those 8 people to have insurance for their civil partners. Is that cool or WHAT?

I don't think you can uncerstand how much respect I have for that man right now.

Words of Wisdom

2003-07-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

Cotton Eyed Joe does not equal crunk
--Julia

Make your penis grow up to 3 inches.

2003-07-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

You know, in the name of minimizing how much spam I get per day, I have considered filtering out all email with the word penis in it.

The downside, I wouldn't get any of the emails Rob sends me.

Damn.

P.S. Rob likes penis.

P.P.S. A LOT!

Snap Back to Reality

2003-06-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

*sniff, sniff*

Yesterday, I had to take Julia to the Airport for her to go home. She and I drove from her house to Atlanta Friday afternoon. After a typical whirlwind weekend, which climaxed (heh) when we went to see Miss Saigon Saturday Night, she's now gone.

I miss her already.

We were together for 10 days. That's a record. We never once got snippy at each other. Umm...I'm not really sure if we know how to fight, because we've never really done that.

I haven't had a fight with anyone for a long time. Cool. I'll go pick one with my brother this weekend.

one to go!

2003-06-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

Man, new blogger sucks. ANYWAY...

I couldn't let this date go by without me saying something...

Today is the -1 anniversary of Julia and I. For one year from this date, we will be married!!! One short trip around the sun...that's all!

I dunno that I can explain how exciting I find this...It's just...amazing to me. A little over a year ago I'd had VERY limited experience in the females department, and here I am, 1 year from marriage. It's amazing how my life has changed in that one year.

Hee! I find that I'm rambling and stumbling on my words. I guess it's because I'm so excited that in 1 year, I'll be able to spend my life...I'll be able to grow old with Julia. I imagine as much as my life has changed in the last year, I ain't seen nothing yet :)

I've been at Julia's house in Florida for the past week. I actually got here one week ago yesterday. We went to my buddy Bret's wedding, and she met all my friends from when I used to work at that horrible T/R Systems. But it was great to see everyone love Julia. I tell you, I suppose it's a good thing someone as quiet and shy as me is marrying someone as active and friendly as Julia. People just love her...well, unless she decides she doesn't want them to love her. :)

But it was cool...our first wedding together...where we'd planned, to, you know, take notes, but, umm...yeah. No notes we could have taken would have applied since, apparently, them motherfuckers are rich. Buzz was the wedding was a 50,000 dollar wedding. Dude...why couldn't they have just had a 40,000 dollar wedding and cut a cool as negro like me in for 10K? Oh well...Guess that's the breaks.

Anyway, yeah, I know almost nobody is still reading this post, as it was uninteresting a long time ago...but whatever...I just wanna say, Julia, I love you SOOOOO much sweetie, and I cannot wait for those 365 days to tick away :)

one year down, one to go!

So, wow..

2003-06-17T06:34:00.000-07:00

So yeah, somebody hasn't blogged in a LONG ass time...

Not much has happened since then...OH except that I moved and my entire world seems to be falling apart at the seams. Sigh...Family. You love them, but sometimes you want to run away from them and forget they exist.

Anyway...If it wasn't for my angel I'd be ready to nose-dive off the Westin Peachtree Plaza building. But she's been there for me, and I'm just so glad I have her. I think that's all I can say about my current "stresses." That they're painful, family related, and Julia has been there to keep me going when I don't think I can.

Have I mentioned here that I quit prozac? Yep...finally stopped taking it. The doctor said to wait for a stress free time and to consult him first. I broke both of those rules. I didn't consult him because I knew he'd want me to stay on it, and I was ready to quit. And I wasn't EXPECTING everything to be so stressful now...It just sorta happened like that. But I'm not going back on it. I'm doing fine. If I start doing the whole depression thing, I'll go back on, but for now I'm pretty stable, considering everything.

BORING BLOG POST!

More Friday Five action.

2003-06-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

1. How many times have you truly been in love?

Umm...Well, before I met Julia, I believed I had been in love. And I feel that to not count that would be to trivialize it, and the feelings and experiences I went through then were NOT trivial...so yeah.

BUT, I will say I have NEVER experienced with anyone else the connection and bond that I feel with Julia. Nothing before has ever felt like this. The bond that I've felt with her, the strength of our connection is so powerful that it is a radical new experience. I've never found anyone so custom fit made for me...someone who I can tell anything to. Someone who I can laugh with, cry with, and pour my heart out to. It is nothing like I expected it to be...it's everything I could have never imagined.

I can never be more in love than I am right now...well, except for tomorrow...when I'll be even more in love, just as I'm more in love today than I was yesterday.

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?

My God, where to start. For one, she is one of the strongest women I've ever known. She is a master at dealing with challenges and meeting them head-long. She is so kind and loving, even when she might be stressed or angry, she makes it clear that she puts those whom she loves before all else. She has a brilliant sense of humor, and can make me laugh. AND she gets my wacky sense of humor, which is a definite plus. My family adores her, as do all my friends who have met her, and she spreads that love and cheer wherever she goes. She's also confident, and will not let anyone walk over her, or anyone she loves or cares about. She's tollerant of me when I act like a dork (like when I play too much Grand Theft Auto) And she is playful and makes me comfortable in situations that might have freaked me out had I experienced them with anyone else. I'm never happier than when my arms are around her.

3. What qualities should a significant other have?

Huge Tits.

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here with, "No." If I have, it's not been known to me. I turned one girl down once, but I scarcely believe she was heart-broken.

5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?

If you've ever known anyone who stuck with an abusive person, then you'll undertand my point. Love is not "someone you can tollerate being around, and really like having sex with." That's not it at all. I know so many (almost always) women who are with guys who bad-mouth them, or treat them like crap, or cheat on them, or even go as far as to hit them. OR in one case, even apparently abuse her 2 year old daughter. And they always go back! Why? "Because I love him?" No you don't! That is not love. That is pathetic, self-important, clingy desire to be loved, that you will put yourself in any situtation so that you can be with someone. That is not love. Love is about growth and frienship, and having someone to confide in. It's not about sex (though, sex CAN be about love...but love can never be about sex.) And love is never about yourself, or about the other person. It's always about "us." It's always about 2 people becoming greater than the sum of their parts through each other. And if you don't know what I mean, then you don't know love like I do.

P.S. I feel the need to point something out that I haven't pointed out in the past. ANYONE who tells me ANYTHING is doing the same thing as telling Julia...because I keep NOTHING from her. SO, if there's something you wanna tell me, and don't want me to tell Julia, then just don't tell me. I won't tell her all the trivial mundane crap, of course ("Hey, Julia, my boss just went to the bathroom...just so you know.") but anything I find intersting or important to me she'll find out about. I consider us a team...and I consider it my right to tell her anything anyone tells me. So yeah, don't ever say to me "Don't tell Julia about this." because If that's the rule, then just don't bother telling me in the first place.

So, I get this email....

2003-05-30T07:47:00.000-07:00

It has a picture of a Squirrel with huge Nuts (It's the FARK Squirrel) and he's saying "It's hard to get chicks being hung like a squirrel..."

I get email like that a lot. "You're guaranteed to get laid if you make your dick bigger."

But I have a question for these spammers. Umm, how does that work? I mean, assuming that girls REALLY are looking for huge dicks that can invade their womb, how would me having a bigger dick help me get laid? I don't walk around with my cock hanging out (Unless I'm at the Backdoor club!! HELL YEAH!) Usually it is neatly packed away. So assuming I was hung like a bull-moose, how would the girls know this, and decide that they indeed wanted to fuck my abnormally huge panty-wood.

I mean, usually, if you get to the point where a chick sees your pink schlagger, you probably are gonna get some kinda satisfaction, regardless of how big or little it is.

Unless, you know, it's freakishly little. (OH GOD DON'T LAUGH AT IT! IT'S ALL I GOT!)

Not that I NEED any of those enlarging pills, I'm just saying.
(Oh god I wonder if they work.)

2003-05-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

Man, Robbie's been getting more pussy than a near-sighted dog catcher!

Always bet on black

2003-05-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

Man, I can't BELIEVE (and am embarassed to admit) that I care who won American Idol last night, but, come on, how could I not care? As anyone who knows me knows, I'm a terrible racist, and wholeheartedly believe that black people are 200% cooler than the COOLEST white person...That cool white person being Steve Martin. ANYWAY, So American Idol came down to this squirly little white geek (and not the cute type of geek, if I say so myself) and a big ass pimpin black man who could probably eat the little white dude with a side of mashed 'taters and gravy.

How could ANY rational human being NOT want Ruben to trump Clay?

FUCK I hate white people.

Blogging is for dorks (who aren't too lazy to blog, and being lazy is cool)

2003-05-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know. I must blog more often. *sigh*

Anyway, last night, I made one of the first "Stupid toy" purchases I've made in a LONG LONG time. I honestly don't remember the last stupid toy I bought myself. Anyway. I got a Sirius Satelite Radio system for my car. This will allow me to plug into NPR/CNN/FoxNews/ABCNews/Conservative AND Liberal Talk Radio, TechTV/Every Genre of Music ever made, except polka (Fucking NAZIS! Everybody loves Polka!) and NO commercials. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, ANY damn where in North America. I love the idea.

Since the purchase of electronic toys is, apparently, such an important thing, I should give my new toy a name based on a character from a movie. The name I have chosen is Mike Wazowski. Mike Wazowski was born at 7 PM last night, with difficult labor (Why are the fools at Best Buy so incompetent?) and weight, oh, shit, I dunno, few pounds? I'm already planning for our 1 month anniversarry.

Also, I've still gotta install the little fucker. I coulda paid 50 dollars and let them install it, but what the HELL is fun about that? I realized today that if I pulled out the ashtray/cigarette lighter thing in my car, it leaves open a 1DIN Radio slot, where I could put the satelite system...I'd just have to figure out a new place to route my cigarette lighter port to...which wouldn't be THAT big a deal.

I LOVE YOU MIKE WAZOWSKI!

Blowing you and me

2003-05-16T06:44:00.000-07:00

I saw "A Mighty Wind" last night. It has been SOOOO long since I went to see a pseudo-independent film like that. Granted, that movie is not Independent by any stretch of the imagination...but what they're doing is so far out of Hollywood Mainstream, that I consider it pseudo-independent...kindof like every Kevin Smith film after Clerks.

Anyway. GOD DAMN I loved that movie. I mean...LOVED that movie. I want the soundtrack, and I want to see it again and again. Because I adored it. Seriously did. I've heard a lot of "it's not as good as Guest's first 2 movies." And I completely disagree. I consider this to be his finest work. The first two, Guffman and Best in Show were brilliant, funny, awesome movies. But they're the kind of movies that you know are good the first time through, but you gotta watch 2 or 3 times to really get all the humor...at least for me. But "Wind" had me laughing from start to finish. Every joke nailed me right between the eyes. AND I thought that they totally nailed that folk music persona.

The ONLY complaint was the silly jokes with names, only two of which I remember "And now I'm Mrs. Boner." "Welcome to the house of Crap." Feh. But two little complaints in a movie full of hilarity...that film did it for me.

AND the best part? After it was over, like, almost nobody got up to leave. Nearly the entire theater full of people sat there and watched every credit, and every name roll by. It's SO good seeing "less than mainstream" films where the audience respects the film enough to sit and watch the credits. Granted, two songs played durring the credits, and they were good and funny...But usually the only time people stay is to watch the damn outtakes and assorted "cookies" from the film.

I miss going to see films like that. I'm sick of movies...I wanna watch some more films...

Ummm, that is, after I see X2, Matrix Reloaded, and T3.

(Serra, was Matrix really that bad? Don't dash my hopes!!!!)

Down with the freedom of speech!

2003-05-15T06:49:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking long and hard about this, and many of you know that I support the freedoms as Franklin or Jefferson had invisioned them. And that's true. But the more I'm thinking about it, the more I look at this patriot act thing...the more I really want an end to the freedom of speech.

And this is not because I want to stop terrorists, or right wing fundys, or left wing radicals (all of whom I despise). No, they can keep on shootin' their mouths off as far as I'm concerned. In times gone by I would have said I'd fight to the death to protect their rights (But that was always a lie, anyway. I'm a huge pussy and never woulda fought for anything). But now, I've come full circle. I'd be willing for them to all lose their rights to free speech, under one caveat.

That the loss of freedom of speech would mean that "Prime Time Glick" would become illegal. This must be the first time in my life that I've ever supported censorship. But I believe that we, as a nation, in the tumultuous times, can get together and agree that if ever there was a case for censorship, it's Martin Short in a fat suit.

DOWN WITH SHORT!

OK

2003-05-13T14:47:00.000-07:00

Somebody hasn't blogged in the month of may.

That's not true, I did, but then I refused to publish the post because I wasn't sure if it was funny.

But now I don't care. Post and PUBLISH!

So, Like...

2003-05-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start a sex-advice column.

So Email me with your sex problems. I got the idea because someone sent me a sample question, here it is:

Dear Steve,
My boyfriend, Also named Steve(but not you because you rule) and I are getting married in less than 14 months. My problem with him is that eventhough he is well endowed and manly, I find he is too sensitive to my desires in the sack, and often doesn't put much emphasis on his own orgasm, and is more concerned with mine. At first I thought this was sweet and charming, but now you, ummm, I mean this other guy named Steve, has gone overboard with it, satisfying me up to 12 times in one hour. This is riduculous to me, as it leaves me unable to walk the next day. I just want you, uhh, I mean, Steve, to come. PLEASE???

Sincerely,
Julia (But not your girlfriend, Julia, a different one, from, umm, Texas...yeah, texas)

Answer: Boy, if I've heard this complaint once, I've heard it a thousand times. The simple fact is, your boyfriend cannot help it. His powerful and studly nature makes him incapable of touching a girl, let alone fucking her, without making her come over and over and over. He has learned to accept this, and has given his orgasms such low priority, because he just figures he can make you come so good, so that's what he should focus on. If I were you, I'd just lay back and enjoy it!

grumble

2003-04-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

APPARENTLY, we had an earthquake here this morning.

I slept through it. Damn, something fun happens and I'm asleep. No serious damage or injuries, thank God. Otherwise I couldn't joke about how cool I think it is that there was an earthquake, and how lame it is that I slept through it.

One thing I was gonna talk about yesterday but forgot is Angel...my parent's dog. I suppose I haven't updated this blog with her situation.

ANYWAY, about a month ago, my dad took Angel to Auburn University, where they went in and removed the ball out of her bad-hip. They didn't replace it, they just cut it off. APPARENTLY, the muscles get so strong that they can still support the weight, even though there's no structural connection between the leg and the hip. Is that freaking wacky or what? And who was the first person to come up with THAT solution.

So yeah...it was pretty severe surgery, and she's been recovering ever since. She's doing a LOT better...starting to run again, and using her bum-leg, more, but she still holds it off the ground a lot, instead of working it like she needs to.

So, my dad, has figured a way to fix that. The vet told him that the best way for a dog to exercise a leg like that is to learn to swim. SO my dad is doing for the dog what he'd never do for us...he's buying a damn pool. I think that's great...our dog's getting a pool!

He's getting a real small one...it's like 2 and a half feet deep, 10 feet across...and the best part...he's just gonna set it up in our car-port (which is in the back of our house, and thus obscured from view from the street.

MAN I'm so glad that dog is sick, cause now I get a pool!!!

Of course, it's like Mitch Hedberg says...You know why commercials for above ground pools are never more than 30 seconds? Because 30 seconds is as long as you can make it look like it's fun to be in an above ground pool.

So much to blog, so much to blog

2003-04-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've got a lot to say today. So take a seat (or go on to some other more interesting website).

SO, let's see. Last weekend, Julia, her mama and Cookie came to visit me...which rocked my face like a grenade/dildo hybrid...but....As Julia explained on her blog, when she snuck into my apartment at 3AM (She has a KEY! OH GOD WE'RE AT THE KEY STAGE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP) she kissed my sleeping ass on the cheek...And I woke up screaming. I was scared shitless. I knew she was coming, but she sure scared the shit out of me.

BUT I got even...You see, we went down to ColonBust, to visit my folks, and Julia slept in a room called "The Meat Locker" which was my brother Richard's old room. IT's a tiny room we made by putting a wall up in our previously HUGE den, and made a little box of a room...which he installed a HUGE overpowered window unit Air Conditioner in...So that room can get down to -24 on a good day. ANYWAY, Julia slept in there...and in that room is an old deer's head my brother bought from a pawn shop (That's a blog for another day). So when I was in Richard's room, bidding Julia a good-night, she started rubbing her eyes. While she was doing this, I picked the deer's head up, held it by the antlers, and put it right in the bed next to her, STARING her right in the face. When she pulled her hands down, she jumped startled to death. However, I still scream more like a girl than she does.

What else to say? WELL, This past friday night, I saw the face of satan hisself. I left my apartment to go to Columbus, and on the way down the road I live on, it started to hail. Then it started to HAIL LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. I'm talking, oh, baseball sized hail, though, most of it was more like a golf-ball. My car sounded like the fucking frog scene in Magnolia. I was scared to death. I pulled into a neighborhood and found myself still being pelted with hail, but NOW I was under a lot of huge trees...not good. SO I got back on the road and drove 300 more yards to where my office is, and pulled into the office complex, and finally into the parking garage. RIGHT as I was, oh, 10 feet from the garage, a HUGE hailstone hit my windshield and cracked it bad. Looks like a spider's web. FUCKING SHIT. More money I don't gots.

But, yeah dude...that was scary as shit. I have NEVER been so humbled (aka BITCH SMACKED) like I was this past weekend.

I took pictures, but, you know, I left them at home. DOH!

And finally... PLEASE Don't wrap Roy Orbison up in saran wrap YOU NASTY BASTARD!!.

Friday Five.

2003-04-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

So I guess I'll try that Friday Five thing.

1. What was the last TV show you watched? Why the fuck do you care?

2. What was the last thing you complained about and what was the problem? Jesus, get off my fucking back!

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? Do you really give a damn, you vapid bastard?

4. What was the last thing you threw away? Could you really ask a dumber question?

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited? Christ, I guess you can.

That was fun!

Maybe I'll do it again next week.

Everyone is getting SO OLD.

2003-04-24T07:12:00.000-07:00

Man. It has begun.

Andy, my best friend all through high-school. The ONLY friend I called to tell about my engagement...My old running partner from way back. Yesterday, he became a daddy.

He called me last night around 9:30 or so to tell me. I can't imagine a friend of mine like him, you know, having to be responsible for another human life. Of course, my closest friend, has been responsible for another person for 7 years...but, still...this is different. This is someone I knew back when the most important thing was how to get out of school early so we could go get fried chicken at one of the restaurants in town.

And now his most important calling is that of father. Wow.

And one day, next few years, I'm gonna get that calling, too. How about that?

We're growing up. Damn!

Anyway, Andy told me the weight, but, you know, I don't remember stuff like that. BUT I do remember that it's a girl :) AND I do remember that she's like 20 and 3/4 inches. Name to be determined soon.

But I'd like to Welcome the newest Leukhardt to the world. You picked a fine family to be a part of :)

I'm just sayin...

2003-04-22T06:49:00.000-07:00

I think that Shelley Long would make a better spokeswoman for Pier One. Just my opinion.

(She also would have been better in "Look Who's Talking.")

Holy Homoerotic French-Canadians, Batman!

2003-04-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

Last night my dad and I went to the traveling tour of Cirque Du Soleil (or however those french weirdos spell sun) and it was quite a good time. I tell you, it sure makes you feel like a damn geek to see folks doing shit like that knowing full well you never could.

I really wish someone would make some contortionist porn. Seriously, I wonder if there's ever been a guy to watch some contortionist wrap her legs around her head who didn't quietly think to himself "I wonder what that'd look like if she was naked." But seriously, there's probably some old bendy/twisty/gymnasty folks who are just getting a little too old for the traveling circus that would do porn if the money was right. Maybe this should be the idea to start my own porno company. I'll call the series "Suck Du Soleil"

And I'll hire a good lawyer.

And yes I realize how crude and base and low class that was.

Also I decided this weekend that I am against civil equality movements. Not because I believe in opression, but that I REALLY think we're losing a lot of good jokes to the whole "That's racist/sexist/agest/homphobic/germophobic/spicaphobic" line of thought.

See, at the show yesterday, there was this routine. These two guys swinging around on ropes would swing over the audience, and then wrap their arms and legs aroudn each other in varrying positions. It was interesting, and cool and awe inspiring. But then when it was over my dad turned to me and said "Wow, that was gay." When he said that it ran through my mind that you're not supposed to make jokes like that...And I thought maybe that's why so many people are afraid of the gay-rights movement...they just don't wanna lose the jokes.

Because seriously, if two dudes doing an arial 69 fifty feet off the stage in front of a crowd doesn't warrant a good queer joke, then we've lost our souls.

Damn dirty shame. I make fun of fat straight white guys too...I just wanna be able to make fun of everyone else!

(P.S. if this offended you, don't bother telling me...it was fairly tongue in cheek and ironic...and even if you know that and it still offended you, I don't really give two stinky shits.)

END THE WAR NOW!

2003-04-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

You know, I bet none of them will admit it, but I bet there are a LOT of people who were protesting this war that are surely sad to see it winding down.

"That's it? It's over? We didn't even get to protest enough? I sure wish this war lasted longer, protesting was fun."

HAHAHA, you fucking hippies didn't even get another sexual revolution. Deal with it, shaggy.

Awwwwww!!

2003-04-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

Julia let Cookie leave an AudioBlogger post on her blog tonight...

LISTEN TO IT GOD DAMMIT

Is that cute or what?

BOY! Put that stick down, that's gross...

2003-04-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

More shit than you can shake a stick at today!

First off, I spent this past weekend in the lovely (aka hot, humid and flat) state of Florida to spend time with my fiance and her familia. The worst part was the drive. Oh god I tell you, after 8 hours on the road, your ass just starts to HURT. But I pressed onward, and finally pulled into Julia's Driveway around 11PM Friday Night. Then I woke up at like, 7AM Sat. morning becase "we have so much to do."

Then we sat around doing nothing for the rest of the day. APPARENTLY we didn't have that much to do, I was just assuming we did. Julia never quit giving me hell for that, either. Apparently, she didn't LIKE the fact that I made her get up so early. Anyway, Julia, Cookie and I went to a bed store to buy Julia a new Box Spring. Her current box spring is old and makes a TON of noise when you lay down on it. Or move. or breathe. Or look at it funny. So we went to the bed store and looked at some new Box Springs. And then that motherfucker tried to sell us a USED nasty rat-mattress box set for 60 bucks. I'd pay someone 70 to never EVER have to sleep anywhere near that thing. The new one (Which looked like it was cobbled together by some drunk kids) was 250, but he'd be nice and let us have it for 150.

People this was JUST for the box spring. Not a bed. Not a mattress...A BOX SPRING. So, yeah, we got back in the truck and went home. Well, before we went home we went to a Mexican store...and child....My white ass was getting stared at by everyone in there. Apparently, it ain't too cool to drag my cracker ass in there with a latina girlfriend and her little latina daugher that calls me "daddy." I'm sick of all this racism. My people have been put down TOO LONG! WE DESERVE TORTILLAS TOO!

Anyway, We drove home...OH YEAH, we were driving Julia's parent's truck, which is a stick shift. I LOVE stick shift. It took me a while to remember how all that stuff works, but I feel I MOSTLY got the hang of it pretty quick. That was fun :)

We got home, and right as we were pulling up, my brother Richard was getting out of his van. He drove over from his Pilot School in Vero Beach, FL, to eat lunch with us. AND DAMN that was some good eating. I dunno if I've said this or not, but JESUS COCK Julia's mama knows how to cook. So, that was fun.
After Richard left, I watched the universe implode on itself as Kia and Hildi on the same episode of Trading Spaces.

After falling asleep to the Iron Chef we woke up Sunday, I setup Cookies Computer, and I left to go home.

On the way my car tire started to separate...that happens when you're cheap and refuse to replace your tires. So now I GOTTA replace that thing. I've been driving on it lately, but that's because work is less than a mile from my house, so, you know, no big wup.

So that was my weekend.

In other news, today is my birthday. 27. Don't wish me a happy birthday because I have turned into such an asshole lately and have been too busy/lazy to blog when anyone else is having a birthday, so I deserve no good wishes. I promise, I was not TRYING to be rude...I was just rude without intention. To anyone who deserved a birthday wish from me, and didn't get one (and there are a lot of them people out there) my humblest of appologies.

And finally, I have to say, THIS Richard Roeper article about celebrities and their protestations of the war is brilliant. And for those that know that I tend to lean to the right, Roeper usually leans left, and IS against this War...but he's against the stupidity of celebs more, and for that, I love him.

Let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

2003-03-25T10:24:00.000-08:00

Last night I fell asleep watching this show about how humanity almost became extinct because of the ice ages.

Apparently, when the ithmus of panama closed up 2.5 million years ago, water currents were diverted up the eastern north american coast line, which took humid air to the north pole, and caused the cold north pole to freeze. Before then, it was cold as fuck there, but there was no humidity in the air, so snow couldn't fall.

Well, the Earth is not on a perfect orbit, but rather a wobbly one, caused by the gravatational forces of the rest of the solarsystem. As the earth moves away from the sun, we have an "ice age" where all of europe becomes coated in a sheet of ice. And as the Earth moves back towards the sun, it melts. We're currently in a melted period. But the thing that's crazy is, that since this pattern started, 2.5 million years ago. This constant melting and freezing of the polar icecap has happened 30 times. THIRTY. in 2.5 million years, that is a HUGE number.

And that got me thinking. Who really gives a shit about global warming? Seriously. It's obvious we're in one of the "hot" periods because europe is not covered in ice. But eventually, the earth will move away from the sun again, and it'll all turn cold again, and it doesn't matter WHAT we do to the atmosphere, we won't be able to affect it. But with such drastic change, how can you even argue that the "global warming" is at all tied to what we've done, and not just the natual paterns of the earth. You wanna know where MOST of the warming has been happening? Look at an almanac. the US isn't getting warmer. Europe isn't getting warmer. SIBERIA is. You really think the siberians give a shit? And prove to me that it's not just the end of an ice age that's causing that rather than daring to ask me to give up my fucking car first.

And the global warming dooms day sayers used to be the "Global cooling" doomsday sayers in the 70's so, I honestly pay them NO nevermind.

All the horrible things cars do, in my mind, have NOTHING to do with global warming...the bad that cars do is the smog in the air. You can see it in Atlanta. You can see it in most major metropolitain areas. THAT is why cars are bad. Global Warming? Don't make me laugh.

WAR GOOD, YOGA BAD!

2003-03-21T14:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, you know what...I'm kinda teetery on this whole war thing. I'd rather put my testicles in a chicken press than go to a peace rally, but another part of me thinks that this is a long term bad decision.

HOWEVER, fuck all that now! My mind has been made up! YAY WAR! WOOF WOOF WOOF! Hooray for war.

See, here's what made up my mind. If you look here, you'll find pictures of people having a YOGA FOR MOTHERFUCKING PEACE PROTEST.

You read that right. Those fucknuggets are doing Yoga in the streets of San Francisco in the name of peace. Sorry, Moonbeam, but Downward dog doesn't fucking help the peace movement, you fucking hippy.

Anyway, thanks to these little cock-knockers I'd support an invasion of the cast of Designing Women just so I can align myself as far away from those little peacenazis as possible. And fuck you, Delta Burke is harsh.

BAD!

2003-03-21T06:56:00.000-08:00

You shouldn't call me a white honkey cracker It's very offensive and racist and as my last post prooved, I am very sensitive to racial slurs.

Notice of intent to vacate

2003-03-20T12:35:00.000-08:00

I have to tell my current apartment that I'm moving out...think this will work???

Howdy!

My name is Steven Stewart (but you can call me Steve) and I'm a resident at River Parkway, living in apartment 93-H.

I've spent the last 2 years of my life there, and OH what a wonderful two years they've been. Not to get into too much detail, but I could write a 2000 page book on what's happened over the last year alone. I don't want to give away the details of this book, lest word hit the street and I would be unable to get a publisher's interest...but it involved lots of sex.

Anyway, All that sex has led to marriage, which I will soon be imparting myself unto. My lovely little bride (She's a spic, but we don't hold it against her) and her 7 year old daughter (also a spic, but a young cute one) have instructed me that they want the 7 year old spic to go to East Valley elementary, as there are fewer spics there.

And if you think that's racist, it's not, because I'm marrying the dirty wetback.

Anyway, To go to that school means I gotta move...and I gotta move soon. So, as per my arrangement in my lease, I am giving AMPLE time for River Parkway to prepare for my departure (Don't forget to invite a band) as I make my move to another complex.

I do not mind saying I have LOVED river parkway, and hate to say goodbye, but well...GOODBYE!

I will be out by the last day of my lease, June 30, 2003.

Love-ya, mean it.

Steve

Shoot 'em to the left, shoot 'em to the right. Bang Bang. Pow Pow. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

2003-03-18T07:26:00.000-08:00

You know, I haven't officially stated my opinion on this war thingy. So I guess I will.

First off, I DESPISE two things. I despise militaristic thinking...this instant notion that the way to solve our problems is with a big fucking gun. There are other ways...Sometimes you DO have to resort to using the gun...but, I hate the notion that the best way is the violent way.

But furthermore, another idea that scares me to death, one that I hate equally as much as the militaristic thinking is Pacifism. Pacifism is NOT a noble belief. It is a chicken belief. It is a dangerous belief. If most people in the world were pacifists, then the rulers would ALWAYS be the ones willing to use violence for evil. There is a time and place for violence, and it can be a good thing, despite how that might rub peace-niks the wrong way.

OK, now onto specifics, with this current conflict. I believe Saddam Hussein is an evil, evil man. I believe he has some nasty fucking weapons that could wreak havoc wherever he tried to use them. I believe he would give them to a terrorist organization that wanted to use them here. I believe that, if he could get away with it, he'd LOVE to have himself a nuke or 2. I believe he should be removed from power, and I believe his country should not have weapons along those lines.

BUT...I can't help but think that President Junior has just really fucked the pooch-ass. While we do have multi-nation support, we've done damage to the UN (and while I'm no fan of the UN, I don't see any purpose in shitting on them, unless the president LITERALLY took a big shit on them, in which case I would laugh and he'd damn sure get my vote next time) we've got some enemies where we once had friends, and we have and entire region of people,and most of the Muslim world, convinced our #1 goal is the irradiation of Islam. And a lot of those people thusly convinced don't mind blowing them selves up to make a point. So, yeah. The war in Iraq will take weeks, at the very most (Literally, I wouldn't be surprised if we controlled the entire country in 5 days) The long term effects of it, though, and how poorly Bush has executed it, will last for the next 100 or more years.

Two thoughts

2003-03-14T14:00:00.000-08:00

1) I always misspell intelligence and find this so fitting that I refuse to learn how to spell it.

2) Is it wrong that I find Crispin Glover simultaneously sexy and creepy? I can't decide if I should beat him to death, or ask him out to dinner.

This post was brought to you by the letters NOT and GAY and the number OH GOD I SWEAR.

Roger Ebert, you ignorant slut...

2003-03-14T07:47:00.000-08:00

Roger Ebert wrote an article on Bush, God and all that fun stuff. Read it if you want.

But it pissed me off SOOOOOO much. It pissed me off because it basically says that any evangelical Christian (which includes most protestant religions) is ill equipped to run the country because of their theology. It pisses me further because he goes on to basically say that a catholic, because of his notion of god, would make a better president.

Basically, one religion is a better guide than another. It's one thing to claim this when you're talking about theology, but when you're talking about politics I believe this is highly dangerous thinking. In a representative republic (This ain't a democracy, THANK CHRIST, because democracy is a horrible idea) your hire your leaders, and trust them to use that power however they see fit. They are to do what they feel is right, however that is determined. Maybe it's through god, maybe it's through polls (and even though I don't believe in god, I trust him a lot more than I do polls).

Roger Ebert has a right to believe that the Catholic view of god is the best. He has the right to proclaim that such a view makes for better leadership. That is fine. But he comes across as so superior. So "holier than thou" because HIS notion of god is the RIGHT notion of god. Bush gets under my skin when he goes on about God too much, because I believe that he in some ways wouldn't mind making HIS religion THE religion. With 10 commandments in the courts, and 6 year old 1st graders coerced into praying to his god at Public School. That scares me too. But it does NOT scare me for him to use his notion of God to make decisions. That's what he was hired to do...to use whatever method he finds works for him to lead this nation. And even though I don't believe in god, I have no problem with others using him, because I believe that the notion of "god" or a "higher power" and "prayer" (in whatever forms one believes in them) helps one to internally balance their thoughts, and come to good choices.

And I reject out of hand the notion that all evangelical/republican/Christians are evil, thoughtless mindless people. I've met too many who were FAR better men (or, ahem, women) than I'll ever be to take some kind of superior holier than thou attitude about them, even if I don't believe in the deity they claim guides their lives.

Bush was elected by the people[1] and he therefore has the authority to use God, Dice, pickup sticks or Voodoo Tea Leafs to lead this nation. That's what he was hired to do. And, beautifully, and thankfully, if enough of us dislike the way he does it, we have a chance to fire him soon.

I'm actually impressed the man is taking such a risk. If this doesn't work, it'd be easier to get Richard Nixon's corpse re-elected. One thing, unlike Clinton, Bush doesn't seem to care what people think about him, or what the polls say. And thank fucking Christ. It's about time we had leadership with a backbone, regardless of my opinion on what he's doing.

[1] I know, he was only semi-elected by the people, but the Supreme Court, the court charged with being the final say on what the constitution says, the constitution being the supreme law of our land (even above the UN, if you can believe it...fucking hippies) says he was elected fair and square, and while the motives of the Republican Judges seem suspect, what they say still goes, and therefore the controversy around his election shouldn't effect how he leads now.

To dream the impossible dream!!!

2003-03-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

I have a dream, today.

I have, for as long as I've been active and honest in my unending quest for lots and lots of hadcore pornography, had a dream.

That dream is that I may one day see some chick I know, prefferably one of the girls in High School that I was sure wouldn't fuck me because I was too scared to attempt to find out, in some porno picture somewhere on the internet.

There are, apparently, a LOT of girls who are more than willing to be photographed doing shameful (and therefore beautiful) things to their bodies. Why can't one of those girls be someone I went to high school with.

And if I ever do find such a shot, I PRAY that the girl goes to the 10 year reunion.
(God I hope that 10 year reunion isn't June 26th...I'm gettin married that day! To a girl that knows, and even digs, my penchant for porno...Life is a sweet fruit!)

2003-03-04T10:59:00.000-08:00

audblog audio post

Ummmm...

2003-02-27T12:28:00.000-08:00

"Nobody ever says, 'I wanna be a diamond when I grow up'"

If it wasn't for the fact that my woman worked in fine jewlery at a certain nameless retail outlet, I would SWEAR this was fake...but apparently, her store is advertising it, so, umm, I guess it's real?

Anyway, welcome to Life Gems!

What is a Life Gem??
A LifeGem is a certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life.

So, Ok you get what they just said??

They take the dead body of your loved one, and SQUEEZE the carbon in the body into a DIAMOND! A DIAMOND!

You know it really kinda pisses me off, because I generally try to make jokes about things like this and I really am SO flabberghasted that I can't make any. But GOD DAMN that's fucked up.

OOOh how about this,

You know, in years gone by, many men gave their fiances their grandmother's engagement ring when they asked them to marry them...A family heirloom. But now you don't have to give them your grandma's ring...you can give them GRANDMA!!

HAHAH, You know a certain percentage of cut diamonds are ruined when the cutter slips and hits the stone at the wrong angle. You hit it at one angle, a beautiful, perfectly flat surface is revealed...miss the angle by just a little and you shatter the stone.

So that means they GOTTA shatter someone's granny from time to time.

I'm feeling better now about Angel. I still feel bad for her, but I know she'll be OK.

sigh

2003-02-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

Well...

I don't think there's anyone who knew Ginger who didn't feel bad for her, and maybe wonder if we'd done the wrong thing keeping her alive.

Ginger was my dog during high-school and up until a few years ago, when the cancer that had attacked her as a 3 or 4 year old finally won its long battle. By the time we found out she was sick, Ginger had become a member of the family, and my dad decided, at great cost to him...at great emotional cost to all of us, to have her infected leg removed. For the rest of her life, we had a 3 legged dog. She did so well those first few years after the surgery. But as age began to creep up on her, that one frong leg she had left became so tired...so exhausted...probably arthritic. And her tumors started to come back.

My dad loved Ginger so much. We all did. We didn't want to let go. We probably kept her around so much longer than we should have. She would sit her days away, pulling herself up to come and say hello...or to get food and water. But when she got so weak she was barely a dog anymore, my dad did something he did not want to do, and had Ginger put to sleep.

The fact that none of us who loved, and miss, Ginger wanted to admit was that she probably should have been let go years before. Or even more, she shouldn't have had surgery in the first place, and should have been allowed to die a whole dog, never being saddled with the burden of being a 3 legged dog.

A few weeks ago, Angel, the dog we bought my dad for Father's day...The dog that was in my bathtub one of the first night I talked to Julia on the phone...The Dog that slept in my bed that night. The dog that nestled herself at Julia's feet the first time she ever came to visit my family, acting as if she was protecting Julia from everyone else...She started walking funny. Her right-hind leg became sore. She stopped walking on it and used it only in rare cases. A visit to the vet (the same cock-lick who told us Ginger's tumors were just "fluid pockets" that would drain) told us "Oh she's a growing dog, and her bones aren't lining up right. It'll be better soon."

Angel is still hopping...and now, she doesn't want to move. She's lost a spirit that anyone who knows angel will tell you seemed unstoppable. It stopped.

My dad took her to another vet today. The vet told him that Angel has hip-displacia (sp, I dunno if I've even got the word right) and that it's genetic. It won't get better, only worse. Her hip has begun (and will continue) to shrivel on her side due to being unused. Her muscles will atrophy. The joints will turn arthritic. She's been given her first round of pain medicine, that will hopefully rejuvinate her a little.

She can never run, or jump again. That's not the life that Angel wants.

Angel is so smart. We taught her tricks all the time...she'd learn to follow voice prompts, even though we know as much about training dogs as we do about rocket surgery. She's so sweet and loving, even if she is a little rambunctious.

To see that spirit crushed by a malformed hip...to think of that cute little puppy growing up to feel like an old woman at the age of 9 months. It's too much. My mom couldn't stop crying as she told me the story. My poor mother, who had to watch Ginger suffer...My mother who doesn't want a dog, but invariably falls in love with them. To see her go through this again won't be pretty. No woman with a heart like hers should have to see an animal suffer, because nothing hurts her sensitive heart more.

So all my family members that helped raise Ginger are no doubt going through what I am. Wondering if it's fair to keep Angel, no matter how young she is around. Wondering if it's fair to her, eventhough we love her, to make her endure our existence. Wondering if keeping her would be the same mistake it was with Ginger. Maybe there'd be a lot less heartache for everyone if she could go to sleep.

Why us? What cosmic force has deemed us, a family of people that don't have enough responsibility to keep an ant farm*, as worthy of having the task of always caring for crippled dogs. Love? We've got a lot of that, and any dog in our home will be loved. But I just don't know that we're of the right disposition...the right gentle caring nature to care for a dog going through what angel will suffer. And I'm not sure we'd ever find anyone who is, and could and would take on the responsibility.

And is it really fair to make a dog whose entire existence is centered around "PLEASE throw that ball so I can go chase it" (chicken's, as she's come to think of them, as her first toy was a squeaky rubber chicken, and she decided that when we said "chicken" it was her task to retrieve any toy)...is it fair to make that dog never run again. Never more than a gentle trot? No throwing balls. No jumping (God she can leap so high...and she loves to do it so much). How fair is it to make her suffer living her entire life always expending about as much energy as any other Stewart? That dog is not fit for our sedentary lifestyle...and it hurts me to think of her having to live it.

Right now I'm really sad :( Too sad to dig through my archives to find the links to the days when we first got Angel...They're in the archives. June 2002...find it if you want.

I didn't take my prozac today. I forgot, and now I wish I hadn't.

(*Man, that ant farm??? "Them fucker's didn't grow shit. How about some carrots? I like carrots." --Mitch Hedberg)

Downward Dog.

2003-02-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

Julia and I were just talking about exercising, and I said, jokingly, I was gonna start doing kegel's. Julia's response?? "Yes please do kegels. You're starting to feel really loose"

You can't convince me she's not the perfect girl for me to marry.

It's 100% official, now...

2003-02-19T07:52:00.000-08:00

I asked Julia to marry me on Jan 1st, and since then have called her my fiance, have referred to us as "engaged" and have been preparing for the wedding, which is in just over 16 months! But it felt incomplete to me...I felt I still had something left to do. You see, Julia had been wearing a 25 dollar ring that I bought of eBay...I bought it kindof as a joke, but before I knew it, it was the only thing she had to wear as an engagement ring, and so that's what it became. But I knew this would not suffice. And so right before I left to fly down there last time, for our Disney trip...I ran around Atlanta trying to piece together a good ring for her. I found the diamond at Solomon Brothers and the setting at The Shane Company, and after getting Solomon to agree to set their diamond in another company's setting, I picked the ring up Thurs. night RIGHT before flying down to see Julia on Friday.

I never let that damn thing out of my site, either. The box sat on my desk all day...if I got up, I grabbed the box and slid it in my pocket. I held it in my hand all durring the flight. I only let it out of my site when I got to florida, and had to hide it from Julia.

Saturday morning we woke up, and went to the Magic Kingdom. And right in front of Cinderella's castle...right where the Park Photographers were, I once again asked Julia to marry me, this time, giving her a real ring, with a real diamond in it.

My hand was shaking as I held that box out at her. Hers were shaking as she reached down towards it. She started to cry, as did both her mom and her dad. Cookie just said "It's OK mama...you don't have to cry."

I stood back up onto my wobbly knees, but now it was official...Julia was wearing my ring. How much luckier could I be?

Could you ask for better engagement photos?

God damn

2003-02-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

You can run Perl in.Net, thanks to ActiveState.

Aside from the "Geekbullshit" level Perl adds to programming, it is a fun langauge to play with, and the other work that ActiveState has done with .Net and such is super-fucking cool.

And if you know what the HELL I just said and what it means, then, Hi ROB!

Rob says

2003-02-16T10:38:00.000-08:00

From this post, about what would have hypothetically have happened if he'd not moved to Mexico:
So Chris and I went downtown to the only decent restaurant here, and they sat us in the window seat so everyone could stare at us and swear we're gay. I can't help it if nobody else I know can afford to eat there.

Hey, fuck you, buddy. I can afford to eat there too...AND I was home on Valentine's day, so I woulda been around to go with you. The fact that you never, NOT ONCE, invited me to go eat there still knaws at my heart and makes me cry.

From later in the same post:
The girl sent me an email and I got her some roses. Then she probably went home and fucked three other guys.

I love that this hypothetical "the girl" in your story doesn't have a name...but that it doesn't really matter because you just know that there would have been some "the girl" and that she would have indeed done you exactly like that.

You deserve the most glorious of the pink-fruit, my friend...and one day, it will land in your lap!

STEP!

2003-02-06T07:55:00.000-08:00

Ok, so, usually, I think that referring to things that are stupid or lame as "gay" is wrong, even if I do it all the time...

But regardless, there is NOBODY who could EVER argue that this is ANYTHING but gay.

(Link was a Something Awful Awful Link of the Day.)

Based on a True Story...really...

2003-02-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

DOUG was a good man.
A short story by Steven B. Stewart

DOUG was a good man. He always has been. I've known DOUG my entire life and have
never known him to hurt a thing, unless by "a thing" you count kittens, or the head of
his dick that became chafed the summer he ran out of lotion, but was too lazy to steal
more from the small gas-station that sat at the end of the road he lived on, the same
small store where not just 6 years earlier, at 9 years old, he had purchased cigarettes
for his godly father, who was too tired from working at watching TV all day to go buy
them himself.

But this story isn't of the young master DOUG, or even the slightly older, but still
young, masturbator DOUG...this is about DOUG the man. And DOUG was a good man. Now
when I say DOUG was a good man, do not infer anything by the usage of "was"...For DOUG
still is a good man, but I decided I would tell this story in past tense, and would
therefore say "DOUG was a good man" not "DOUG is a good man" even though both
statements are equally true. And if you are getting any notion "Well, maybe by the
time I read this story, DOUG is dead." you should drop those thoughts right now. For
DOUG is like the angels, and cannot die.

DOUG was a loving kind soul, and it would take little effort to understand why a woman
would want DOUG to be the father of her children. One would hardly find better stock,
not only genetic stock, but even the one thing that truly separates the men from the
boys, the ability to raise children in a home of love and nourishment. Therefore it
should be little surprise to you, as it was little surprise to me, that an entertainer
at "The Forum," Columbia, Missouri's premiere adult entertainment center (a.k.a. strip
club) by the name of Burnt Sienna came to DOUG to let him know that the beautiful
bastard growing in her womb was the offspring of DOUG. However, this did come as
quite a surprise to DOUG.

"What the blue fuck are you talking about, bitch?" DOUG said, effortlessly, as if he'd
been discussing sports scores, even though DOUG wouldn't discuss sport's scores, as
sports are for faggots.

"I'm telling you Doug, I'm gonna have a baby, and it's yours." Burnt Sienna replied.

"First of all, it's 'DOUG' not 'Doug', and second of all, I never fucked you."

"Yes you did, last month. You were drunk!"

DOUG's head spun. Could it be possible?? It is certain that he was drunk at some point
in the last month, since he drank every night, and when you're a kind loving good man,
as DOUG, you fuck a lot of bitches that you can't remember. Especially when you are
like an angel and cannot get AIDS or VD.

DOUG had no idea what he was gonna do. He was a decent man, and therefore hadn't held
a job in years, mostly because only faggots get jobs, but also because he had crushed
his right hand in a cardboard press, and couldn't work, especially if he wanted to keep
getting his social security check. Don't worry, though, DOUG could still close his
hand enough to take care of jerking off, even though he never did that, because it is
gross.

Being wholly dependent on his Social Security disability payments, he knew that he did
not make enough money to support a child. Sure, Sienna will be working, but after a
pregnancy, your sex appeal goes way down, and men don't want to fuck you as much, what
with the stretch marks an all that, so her ability to earn an income will be
diminished. She'd mostly be a side act, instead of a champagne girl, where the real
money was. DOUG knew this, and it worried him.

After a lot of soul searching, DOUG knelt in silent prayer, and begged that the lord
would send an answer to his problems, most preferably in the form a miscarriage or
abortion. DOUG was a good man, and realized that he should help pay for the Abortion.
Sure it would cut into his disability check, but, it'd only be for one week, and
besides there were no new G.I. Joe or Star Wars toys coming out for several months, so
he was in no dire need for cash.

So he did what any sensible man would do, and begged Burnt Sienna to abort their
beautiful bastard, because it would be best for all parties involved, especially if
that party was DOUG.

The response DOUG got was not what he expected, and certainly not what he wanted to
hear. After listening to DOUG's proposal, Burnt Sienna didn't even respond. She
simply sat the phone down and began to cry. After a couple of seconds, DOUG was ready
to hang up on her when he heard another voice on the line. A male voice. A deep male
voice.

"DOUG, is that you??"

"Yeah, who's this?"

"DOUG, this is Julie's Uncle Chainsaw."

In the background of the phone DOUG heard Julie cry "God dammit Uncle Chainsaw, call me
Burn Sienna...I don't call you Edwin do I?"

"Shut the fuck up, you filthy cock-tease, I'm working some business with my boy DOUG
here." Chainsaw said, almost as if he had belched the entire time he'd talked.

Maybe a little back-story is in order. Chainsaw, much like DOUG, was also a good man.
Not as good as DOUG, but, this is because Chainsaw had a job, and even though he fucked
more women on most nights then most men will fuck in their entire lives, he was still a
faggot for holding down a job.

Chainsaw needed to work, though, for, again, unlike DOUG, Chainsaw drove a chopped
Harley Davidson that cost more than the home he owned, even though both had 2 wheels.

DOUG and Chainsaw knew each other well. They had spent many a long cold Columbia,
Missouri night discussing life, and which girls at "The Forum" they had fucked, or
wanted to fuck. They were good pals, and had come to know and respect each other in a
real and serious way, even though they were both EXTREMELY heterosexual and were not
gay, and if you think for a moment they were then you just failed the gay test, and
that means you're gay.

This carnal camaraderie they had shared had caused DOUG to grow an enormous respect for
Chainsaw, and therefore, DOUG respected the words of Chainsaw, even when those words
were: "DOUG if you're gonna be a real man, then you gotta own up for when you do
something. You need to marry my fucking slut niece and promise to take care of her and
her kid. She's gonna be all saggy and stretched out after she has that fucking baby
and she won't be able to make as much money hustling her box at The Forum as she had in
the past...and you're partly to blame for that. It’ll be extra hard on her now...there
are 3 Orientals working there, and white girls have problems competing with them.”

DOUG respected Chainsaw, and even though those words "Marry", "Kid", "Saggy" and "Box"
burned holes in his ears and brain, he knew that Chainsaw was right.

Besides, Chainsaw had beat up a few guys for DOUG a month ago, and DOUG really owed him
a favor.

Furthermore, Chainsaw was 6'7" 375lbs and could rip apart pretty much anyone he wanted
to, and DOUG respected the fact that he did not ever want to die almost as much as he
respected Chainsaw's wisdom.

So DOUG, being the good man that he was, did the right thing, and agreed to marry Burnt
Sienna.

It had, in the past been tradition that when a man and woman had become great with
child, they would hurry to marry before the child was born, to prevent the child from
being called a bastard. This ancient tradition was especially alive in the South. But
DOUG did not want to rush things, as he had shit to do. For example, there were new TV
Shows which he had to watch and make sure if he liked them or not. Being a good man,
he had his responsibilities, and he did not feel he should shirk them, even if the end
result was his child being born a bastard.

Besides, he figured, he didn't want the little fucker anyway, so what did he care if
the little son of a bitch was born into a real home or not. Especially since it's
fairly certain the child would be fucked up anyway, so how much worse could be for him
to be a bastard as well?

So DOUG waited, and bided his time, but being a good man, a good god (and Chainsaw)
fearing man, he was involved with Burnt Sienna's pregnancy, helping her get to the
doctor, paying for some things when the need arose (and when there weren't any new
action figures he had to buy).

The day DOUG got the call that Burnt Sienna had gone into Labor was a crazy day for
him, especially since he'd just recently bought a new box of ammo for his .44 Magnum
Desert Eagle, and had better things to do that go to some fucking hospital to watch
some bitch shit out some idiot kid he was being saddled with. But, DOUG knew that he
had better go down there, if for no other reason than to keep Chainsaw from getting
pissed off.

It was wise for DOUG to go, because the sooner he went the better his day would be.
DOUG paced and paced, waiting in Sienna's room. Finally, they wheeled her in, and
though she was pale, as if she'd just seen a ghost, she seemed well. DOUG and Chainsaw
went with Burnt Sienna down to the observation window right outside the nursery, just
in time to see the kid put in his bed. For the child was a boy! And as DOUG stopped
and stared at the young boy, his heart melted, and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
DOUG then turned to them both and started laughing maniacally.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!! I'll see you silly fuckers later."

Chainsaw held his head low, and said "Alright, DOUG, I'll see you at The Forum later."

DOUG couldn't even speak he was so overjoyed...so proud of what he saw in that
beautiful bastard baby boy...that beautiful BLACK bastard baby boy. As DOUG walked
away he heard the crying of Burnt Sienna as her Uncle Chainsaw consoled her by saying
"You stupid fucking whore...can you even keep straight how many fucking cocks you fuck
a week? Jesus tit-twisting DAMMIT."

But DOUG continued out the hospital doors, a small smile on his white face. Yes, it
was true. DOUG was a good man.

To our brothers down in MESSICO.

2003-02-02T17:38:00.000-08:00

An Open Letter to Rob that will only make sense to those that read his brilliant blog.

Chamangaes(dot)blogspot(dot)com...Double the hatred, half the pesos.

Anyway, yo, I was trying to make sense of your recent turn of events...what with the woman acting like a juvenile, and the meeting of that girl at La Cuca that seems to dig you, all that against the backdrop of meeting that dude you knew from Georgia, all out of the blue in SMA...and I realized the signifigance.

Usually, as you have theorized, when you have the obscene and ridiculous coincidences, it means you're walking the path. But I thought about that time in Newark, at the airport, when we saw that guy that helped you get your scholarships and evertyhing. The coincidence kicked off a weekend that we BOTH realize at this point was us walking the path. But see, we hadn't walked it at this point...we were just getting READY to walk it. He wasn't there as a cosmic sign, indicating that your path along the force was correct...no...he was a cosmic cheer-leader...put there to push you onward onto your next moment of greatness. Coincidence is NOT the result of following the path...Coincidence is there to make sure you follow the path. It's a lot like judeo-christianity considers faith...faith helps you move foward along the path...but if you stray from the path, you will lose the faith. Much like when you have strayed from the path, the cosmos stopped sending you cheerleaders to prepare you for your next big sojourn.

But when you return again to the path, the coincidences return.

See, you're walking around in SMA and you see someone you used to know from Georgia, just sitting on some steps. That's remarkable coincidence...but it's not NEARLY as remarkable as the fact that this happened HOURS before your Greek-tragedy dinner party. He was there to cheer you on. To let you know that what was about to happen that night WAS the will and the way. It is right that Brian showed up with mescal. It is right that you got drunk. It is right that you all but ruined ANY chance you might have with Carolina by kicking her out and being good old obnoxious-drunk-Rob.

You know I support your attempts at sobriety...but I more support your attempts at living the superlife...and dude, Carolina was NOT superlife. And that cool dude who told you you'd have to boil the FUCK out of that lamb was there to let you know.

She is a child...and not in the good way. She is immature, and her girly game playing bullshit is NOT the path. The path is waiting behind her..just kick her out of the way.

My friend, I do not long to lovingly ravage you in a sexual frenzy that would be the inspiration for a beautiful opera...no...I only long for you to have that which you deserve...And you don't deserve Carolina...moreover, that childish bitch doesn't deserve you.

Don't write her in mexican unless that letter starts "Dear Juanita," (OH GOD, the CBS affiliate in Columbus shows "Dear John," Reruns at 1AM on saturday nights, it is glorious.)

The answer was in La Cuca. It is finding new girls...no, not girls...WOMEN. You know, you and I talked once about girls vs. women...and how we thought of women as too old and mature for us. Dude, I've been on both sides...I've gone for girls, and I've had a woman...trust me...women is where it's at. Leave High School in Harris County...it's time to live life. It is no coincidence that you, after damaging any shot you had at Carolina, you soon were talking to a new girl...Make sure she's grown up enough to handle all that Rob has to offer, and won't pull the same shit that all the worthless bitches before, and up to Carolina pulled...and move onto greatness.

Amigo, si Carolina no deseo besarte, tu necesitas una otra mujer. Ella es una muchachita, y tu no necesitas una hija...necesitas una novia.

My spanish sucks,

Steve

and the beat goes on....

2003-01-23T08:11:00.000-08:00

You know, I haven't blogged in a LONG time. Julia today mentioned it, and mentioned that people just MIGHT be sick of seeing me talk about her all the time...which, you know, I can understand, but, well, my blog, my rules...and I fathom to guess almost nobody reads this anymore, so, well, whatever.

Anyway, the other day I was thinking, and I wanna know if I'm the only person who does this. Are you ever SO lazy that it seems like too much effort to even talk?? I mean, I'll be sitting around, and somebody might ask me a question, or say something stupid that I need to correct (because I'm so fucking smart and know everything in the world) but it just seems like the effort to open and close my mouth ain't worth it. That just me? I'm being serious, too...there are times when I find myself thinking "I have something to say, but I don't wanna take the energy to talk." which is silly because it really requires zero energy...hell, sick people dying on their beds can muster the energy to talk...but not old Steve.

Speaking of, that reminds me. I went to schlotsky's yesterday. There's this OLD OLD OLD man who works there. I mean, so old he bitches about the smell on Noah's ark, old. So, yeah, this old man wipes tables, puts trash away, pushes the broom, etc. This old man WORKS...I mean, he's always moving...always doing something...always on his feet. He's gotta be at least 130, maybe 140 years old, and he never stops moving. He's got SO much more energy than I do. I just sat and atched him yesterday, marveling, and thinking he could probably beat my ass if he wanted to...but then I realized he couldn't cause he probably wouldn't be expecting the attack move I call "The flying dutchman." which is really just a swift kick to the nuts.

Meanwhile, Tavie is in Disney world...We missed each other by mere weeks...I'll be in Disney World in a couple of weeks to celebrate the birthday of Bernardo...Julia's daddy. THAT I can't wait for! I haven't been to disney in, oh, maybe 10 years? I was in high-school when I went last time and my 10 year reunion (oh god) is in a short 18 or so months...so yeah, maybe 9 or 10 years. And this time I'm gonna go with my Cookie, and get to watch her eyes light up as Mickey saunters over to give her a hug...And then watch her cry as she watches her mom's 350 pound fiance jump on him take him down and beat the shit out of him screaming "YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF MOLESTY MOUSE!"

I think I might be a protective daddy.

Today is a wonderful day!!!

2003-01-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

Today, everyone, is the birthday of the beautiful girl I'm gonna marry.

So, I say, far and wide, for all to hear..

Happy Birthday, Julia!

I love you with all my heart, and cannot imagine a world without you. You changed my life, made me happy, and taught me about the world...I cannot wait to be with you forever. Thanks!!!

I have to say...

2003-01-09T07:14:00.000-08:00

The greatest invention of the last 20 years???

The Hershey's Kiss with Almonds. Just sayin'.

The Hypoallergenic Dog of Truth

2003-01-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

Our first engagement present came in today. It was a marvelous gift from Rob in the form of an email sent to me and Julia.

I allow you all to read his stirring words:

STEVE AND JACKIE'S WEDDING
by Rob

There can of course be no blessed union of souls without the prior consent of DOUG, and thus with great pains we must consider His wishes and sentiments. In the event that DOUG refuses to grace us with His presence, we must make due apologies to Him and His ways of being. This can be easily and inexpensively done with a ritual offering of a grain sacrifice. The grain must be less than six months old and, preferably, harvested that week. Praise DOUG.

I see many things in this glorious enterprise which thrill and excite my own longing for true love, and the most important of which is a large banner with the words "WELCOME HOME JACKIE AND STEVE. TIGERS GONNA STOMP IN OUGHT-FOUR!" printed with PrintShop on an Apple IIe or IIc, whichever is most immediately available.

Jackie, being Mexican(ish) will walk down the aisle to the tune of Eminem's "Without Me", which is, I can assure you, the most popular tune in all of Mexico. Steve will, by virtue of his friendship with me and mine with DOUG, be allowed the privilege of the Imperial March when he walks down the aisle. So as not to eclipse my influence or DOUG's grace, our respective standard bearers will then walk out and present themselves to both sides of the audience. All will rise accordingly, and a large picture of DOUG will be unfolded from the ceiling.

I will compose the marriage vows, which will not be shown until the very moment of the ceremony. Jackie's will be in Spanish, which I will translate. Steve's will be in Huttese, which I will translate as well. The name of DOUG will be entreated, and surely there will flow love like endless fountains of wine and racial purity.

Instead of rice, a homeopathic mixture of enriched granola saturated with essential oils will be thrown. There will be no midgets or cripples allowed in the actual ceremony, but the reception will be free for all individuals not associated with any socialist movement.

I cannot disclose the script for the wedding night or the honeymoon, but rest assured it will be completely approved, and it need be edited and rewritten, by DOUG in His eternal and evident wisdom.

No charge, bitches.

Bitch, I own an Apple //c

YEAH

Steve

Children of the world rejoice...

2003-01-06T12:41:00.000-08:00

Did your holidays go well?? Mine kicked a male rapehorse's ass.

Cookie, Julia and I spent the entire time together, and man it was fun. I love those two so much.

There's a lot of responsibility in having a child. A whole lot. You know, what if you fuck them up by saying the wrong thing that hurts their ego, or laugh the wrong way after you push them down a flight of stairs or something? You gotta be careful, because children are easily hurt.

And therefore it is with great seriousness that I consider what a life with Julia would be. Because while I totally love that girl with all my heart...and while I totally love her daughter with so much conviction, I must also accept that to love them...to form a family with Julia means that I'm going to have to accept that responsibility...that I have to be deadly certain that I know what I want, because there's a little child in all this, and she has to come first, always.

So I've considered it. I've given it great thought. And I know that the only way I can imagine my life from here onward is to have Julia by my side. And I know that I want to do my damndest to protect and love her little girl.

And so it is, that I make the most amazing and serious and important announcement I've EVER made, probably in my entire life, but certainly on this silly blog.

On Wed, Jan. 1, 2003, around 10:30PM, I asked Julia to spend the rest of her life with me, as my wife.

This is nothing I take lightly. Julia is my first girlfriend. She's the only girl I've ever been in anyway physical with. BUT, she's also my best friend...the person who I can talk about or say anything to. The person who I have never once worried "What does this mean, what if she doesn't really like me, oh god I'll be alone forever." The person who has made me realize the importance of growing up, and having your own family. It doesn't matter to me that some may argue "Oh she's your first girlfriend, so you're just wrapped up in your emotion." It is true, I'm a very emotional person. But I'm also very logical. And the logician inside me realizes that I will be hard pressed to ever find another girl who I'm so comfortable with...another girl who I can say anything to. A girl that accepts me so completely without any hint of hesitation. A girl who is so good to me, and so good for me...who complements my personality, and makes me a better person for being with her.

And on June 27th, 2004, hopefully in Vinnings, GA, we will be married, and I will be the hap-hap-happiest fat man this side of the Golden Corral.

I'm engaged!!! :)

El Woo Hoo!

2002-12-27T14:10:00.000-08:00

I'm blogging from my woman's oficina and currently there are more mexicans outside her window than Rob probably sees in a day living in Mexico.

It's cool having a woman who speaks some magic moon man language that I don't understand. Like, right now she just said "Jose Ortiz" I have no idea what that means, but DAMN if it ain't se-x-x-y

Yesterday I drove from Columbus, "That smell comes from the river, not your sister's crotch, boy", GA to the magical wonderland that is the podunk town Julia lives in. Never thought I'd pine to visit a city where the big news is that they opened one of those combo "KFC/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell" places. But I found yesterday that I couldn't wait to get there...

Which really sucked when I ran out of gas 4 miles outside of town (It's the woman's fault!). Lucky for me I was in my mom's car, and a few years ago, for her birthday, I gave her an emergency kit that I made, and one of the items in it was Pennzoil Roadside Rescue (which I highly recommend to anyone who ever drives their car more than 2 miles at a time.) So, I put in the half-gallon, drove to a gas station, and filled it up, and FINALLY got to Julia's after 9 hours of driving.

THEN I gave my gift to Cookie. A BIG ASS Disney Princess doll house that makes the dream-house look like That shitty apartment Arris used to live in (OH GOD I MISS YOU, ANUS!)

Tomorrow, Julia, Cookie and I drive back to Columbus to spend out the rest of the holiday season with my family...THAT seems like a big step, but you know, like those cool thug ass wiggers say in those cheap-ass Vinyl stickers they put in the back windows of their bad ass 1997 Toyota Pickups. I "Ain't Skeered!"

Word.